October 19, 2010 @ 11:16 pm by sean
For the first time since spring of 2008 her folder in my email was surpassed in content quantity by my mother’s folder.
Significant? Not sure.
I’d taken notice to my mother’s progress a few months ago, and would hover over the folder names to see the official count from time to time. Her emails span between spring of 2007 and fall of 2009, though there have only been 10 or so since July of 2008. My mother, on the other hand, started in 2003 and continues in perpetuity. Granted, I’m sure I deleted some of my mother’s before I started keeping nearly every email received in folders organized by name, but I can only go officially by the books.
I’ve considered making mention to her of this milestone, though I’m not sure she remembers the folders, or that we noted the occasion of her exceeded my mother.
What does it say that I kept track? While Kevin will still out rank all for at least another year, her’s was the only folder count I paid attention to. Especially in comparison to that of my mother’s folder. I can’t deny that I still compare every female with that specific potential to her, and find they fall short; that while I find myself now with an incapability to love in that specific way or at least unlikely to, that logic collapses if that specific potential had been realized with her over two years ago; that at times I hope for still yet an opportunity to realize that specific potential with her. Did I love her? That becomes harder to accept. Do I still? Doubtful, yet it’s apparent that something lingers. If it’s holding me back, I’m not sure I care. If it’s not, than it doesn’t matter.
I’ve been finding it’s easy to desire someone unaccessible. Obviously. We want what we can’t have, what’s not in front of us. No reality has to be considered when in reality there is no possibility. The danger here in certain circumstances is blatant, yet in others is perhaps negligible.
Is it that our person is generally determined by around 25 on, or just that we accept is and so it remains? There are some intrinsic things that need changing, but they haven’t yet against many or few false starts. So maybe it’s just who I am. Or who I’ve so far been willing to accept I am? This makes the future painfully, and inevitably obvious.