April 30, 2009 @ 3:07 am by sean
I need objectivity.
I’m incessantly back and forth on whether to move back, and don’t know what I really want.
I can’t talk to anyone here; they just say stay. End of discussion.
I can’t talk to anyone at home; they just say come, but we’re probably leaving.
But no one besides Shuree asks, and I probably won’t see her ever again after next week.
I can’t talk to Nathan; I don’t want him to think that I’m relentless in convincing him to come with me.
I can’t talk to Kevin; He’s too far removed, and stuff.
I can’t talk to my parents; they just support any decision I make, though lean towards me moving back, but understand why I should stay.
I can’t talk to my boss; she might think I’m going to bail on her.
I can’t talk to me; I’m 75% both ways.
So I’m left with no one to reason this out with, and so I go in circles.
The facts say, more and more people are laid off already and about to be, my cost of living (read: student loan payments) prevent me from not having a better paying job than I could find there, I have a job here, I have a place to live here, I still have friends here, I still have potential here, it’s too late now, what really are my motivations for moving? Sometimes I don’t trust my motivations are so honest.
The other facts say, more and more creatives are moving to the city, people are taking the initiative to move there and rehab for positive change, I may have potential here but beyond a superficial interest I seem to be alone in my attempts to realize it which means it doesn’t get realized, I’m moving back eventually anyway, why wait for things to get better and not make them better, what really are my motivations for staying? Sometimes I don’t trust my motivations are so honest.
I’m here, so I’m staying. That is the default. If I move, it will be spontaneous, which I don’t do, but have been feeling compelled to do if one or two certain things can fall into place. By the time dinner with Aaron, Maria, and Joel ends tomorrow, I will feel no interest in going anywhere but here, until I read another article about what I could be doing if I moved back. So the circle continues because I have no one to consult with. And because of that, perhaps I should go. But am I not moving to more of the same?