November 13, 2007 @ 9:20 pm by sean
It’s how I am looked at while in a relationship that I don’t like.
I don’t like being looked at like I can never give 100% of my attention to another person, that there is always some reserved attention when she is sitting next to me.
A child is a different thing though. Why? Having a child with me that child is guaranteed a sustained portion of my attention even when focused on someone else but I don’t mind. Is it acceptable because that child needs that attention?
I don’t like the vulnerability to outside people during the pre-relationship stage. When it is clear there are feelings. I don’t like being looked at as if whatever I do is for that person. It’s too easy to be seen as having a desperation I don’t. I despise the childish mockery handed out to people in this stage. I don’t want to be seen as going out of my way for it, yet love seems like something that could be gone out of its way for. Maybe only going out of ones way once it happens, but not to make it happen, is acceptable.
I don’t like that in between time. When it’s possible feelings are on both sides but saying something too soon may ruin the friendship. It’s a trivial dance that I don’t know and don’t care to learn.
Why do I have such little interest, have such a low opinion of marriage and pre-marriage relationships? I have seen nothing to persuade me otherwise.
She’d have to be remarkable. In looks, in style, in personality, in desires, in dreams, in interests, in abilities – more remarkable than I deserve/more remarkable than I am.
Our relationship would have to be remarkable. It could not merely be a relationship, but an essential, intrinsic part of something more, of our remarkable contributions to God’s Kingdom and society – more remarkable than I could partake in, or have seen.
She’d have to be smarter than me or I’d get bored.
She’d have to be a family girl, but then she’d take me away from my family, and dividing the time I have between two families is frustrating enough.