February 3, 2006 @ 6:30 am by sean
I felt better when I admitted that to myself last night.
I guess I never expected to be a homesick kind of person. I wasn’t homesick when I went on mission trips, and I wasn’t when I went away to school.
It’s concerning me a little, because I don’t want it to regretfully influence any decisions. I guess regrets are what I’m afraid of. I don’t think I’ll ever make it back here, and in a few years I don’t want to regret not doing things.
The spring term here ends April 7th, then there is a summer term that is May 2nd until June 16th. My plane ticket is for June 17th, as is the last day of my contract for the flat. I’m not sure I want to take the summer term. If someone else was in this situation, I would probalby say Stay as long as you can, you probably won’t ever go back. I’ll at least stay through May 2nd and get some travelling in. Money is another issue. The UK is expensive and I don’t have lots of money to travel with, and with Kristyn getting married this summer mum and dad don’t have money to be giving me. Going home won’t really change much. By the time I return, Judson as I left it will be over. Things at home will still be there; my family doesn’t move, and my friends seem to have some what consistent plans and won’t likely leave in the 6 weeks I stay. I’m not sure I wan’t to do the school work though. Am I that lazy? Why am I not having more fun? Is it the cloudy skies? The cold weather? The lack of close friends? The unfulfilled expectations? The challenging courses? That everything is similar but completely unfamiliar? The lack of physical contact since January 19th?
I hate escaping, but I admit that when I confessed my homesickness to myself yesterday and then listened to Anathallo and DMB with Kharlie’s CD player and headphones, I escaped. It wasn’t intentional and it helped me concentrate on work. But it also kept out the sound of the voices of my flatmates, and kept my mind off of home, even if by means of music very memorable of home.
I’m afraid of losing the homesickness. I’m afraid it means I love less.
This is hard, harder than I thought it would be, harder than I want it to be. I didn’t think this would be a full on vacation, but not only do I have a lot of work to do, I have a lot of work to do that I don’t know how to do, and now I don’t have time for anything but work. I only have 3 classes! I thought this term would be easy, but just like last term when I had 4, they are all challenging. Even though I get grades, this all transfers to Judson as pass/fail, so I guess as long as I do the work I’m alright, but I want to learn and do well. I don’t want to use the I’m a graphic designer so I’m bad at product and furniture design excuse.
I want someone to be here with me. I want someone to relate to, someone going through the same thing.
I think it was in Relevant, in an article about marriage, it said don’t expect a significant other to take away your lonliness, if you are lonely entering a relationship, you will be lonely with that person. I want to be ok here by myself. I don’t want to need someone to understand. I don’t want to need help. I want to have fun.
Maybe I just want things to be easy.
This is the part where I ask for prayers.
I don’t like to do that, I feel like I shouldn’t need them, that I should be strong enough on my own, trusting in God enough on my own, that I’m just looking for attention and sympathy by asking for them.
I see the connection now to the mentality I’ve grown up with.
Please pray for me, that I will have comfort in the company of God, that I can face these challenges with an honest smile and joyful heart.