February 4, 2006 @ 6:32 am by sean
“Is this not enough
This blessed sip of life
Is it not enough
Staring down at the ground
Oh then complain and pray
more from above
Greedy little pig
Stop just watch your world trickle away”
So as usual, after I ask for prayers I feel guilty about it.
I’m really moody. I don’t like that. If I hadn’t been as tired and exhausted yesterday as I was, I might not have written that post.
I escaped again last night, I think. I don’t want to become one of those living-for-Friday kind of people, but last night Andy and I watched a movie, and him, Rob, and I went to 2oothpaste to watch some bands. Some horrible bands. Andy and I watched Crash – yea, illegally downloaded. Although I’d still rather not watch a movie with someone I know well, it felt good to do something easy with someone, just watch a movie, but the movie also reminded me how easy I have it. When one gets down to it, I’m still studying something in another country experiencing another culture and that’s a well blessed opportunity. Just because it’s not what I expected doesn’t mean I should whine and complain about how hard it is. There are people out there who I’m sure they wish they could have it this hard, because this hard it pretty easy. But even if there weren’t people out there like that, why should I complain? Again, I return to the mindset that it is unnecessary for me to ask for prayers, which I think is wrong. But when I have it so easy, why should I?
This is still difficult, even though I don’t want it to be. I’m still homesick. I’m still sad I’m not asleep at Judson right now. I still feel like I’m waiting to leave.
When I’m tired, a different side comes out. A much more depressed, hopeless, cynical, and pessimistic side. Does that mean when I’m awake I just ignore that side? I kind of woke up when Andy and I hung out, and I didn’t feel those aforementioned things as I did a few hours prior.
It’s ok if I fail. For some reason I always expect to be good at everything I try. I expect to try going to another country for school and to be good at it. ‘Good’ I suppose means not having any problem assimilating. And I do graphic design, so design isn’t unfamiliar to me. I think product design and furniture design is interesting, and I want to be good at it, so I expect to be good at it. But that won’t necessarily happen. Product and furniture design may just not be my thing. I can still try hard at it, but it’s ok not to be good at it. I can’t be good at everything.
But maybe I’m accepting to little, and then not trying hard enough.
Why do there always have to be two sides to everything?
I had a bizzare dream last night. The project I’m working on ended and they sent me home. I was home right now, February 4th. I wasn’t ready to go home, but it was suddenly over for me, and just me. Some weird things happened; I was a model for a drawing class out in the woods, Matt Jeske and I had a conversation about DMU sitting on the side of a dirt country road in the middle of nowhere, the Super Bowl started at 9 pm and the Stealers won it even though they tied it at 8 in the last play of the game, but the game was actually over and the play they tied it with was them demonstrating how they tied it in kind of a live action replay, I went to some kind of museum I think and ordered a coffee beverage at what turned out to be a Starbucks and had to sit at a table and wait for it and some ladies commented on my bag, then dissappeared, and I fortunately never got my drink so even in my dreams I don’t drink Starbucks. When I woke up in the morning and started opening my eyes I completely expected to be in my bed at home.
So bet on the Stealers tomorrow.