February 16, 2006 @ 1:50 pm by sean
I had a thought before but dismissed it as an excuse. The thought was that part of the reason I am lonely here is because I want someone(s) I love to be experiencing this with me. Because it isn’t all about me, is it. Sure it can be a good growing experience to go to a completely unfamiliar place and leave behind all that I know and I can take that experience back to the people I love and share it with them. But I want more than that. The best memories of my life I didn’t have by myself, but with people I love. I also wish that others could have this same opportunity, with or without me. I realize I can love people here, but the depth of the love and understanding that I have with people back home isn’t something that will happen in the short months I am here. Well, that could be wrong, but I’m honestly not interested in it. I won’t prevent it but the people I know here I’m not interested in becoming such great friends with.
Maybe I’m dwelling on this too long. I’m not going to stop. Daily I get images in my head of various people and places back home and they remind me of who I love and what I love. The variation increases the longer I’m here and so does my appreciation. Although I still need to discuss with the head of the department what the logistics of the summer term are, I don’t think I want to stay for it. In that way I’ll have time to travel and I really want to be home for Memorial weekend. There is a family tradition that weekend and I really don’t want to miss it. I still question whether I will be dissapointed in this decision later, and it is certainly possible. I have to make a decision though, that’s what life is about.