January 11, 2006 @ 10:35 pm by sean
Today was peaceful at work. A day hasn’t been that peaceful in a while. I kind of ruined the peace by thinking about how peaceful it was, trying to figure out what made it peaceful. It wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t warm. I didn’t always wear gloves or a hat, but sometimes I definitely needed them. I was warm though with all my layers. Being warm in all my layers almost made it feel like a day early in summer, just after a cold storm. It was overcast, and rain threatened, but never more than a barely noticable drizzle. It was winding, but more so in sound than in air. I rarely felt the wind, but it made a fantastic sound as it flew around. It was also quiet enough to hear the wind. Although there isn’t much traffic out there, it seemed even less today. Maybe a car every 5 or 10 minutes. And when there were no cars, and no wind, it was very, very quiet. Nathan wasn’t there so I worked alone. Ann Marie was inside, and Mrs. Jones was out. So just Ann Marie and me. The task was simple and it felt good to accomplish it, and to not worry about it. There wasn’t much challenge in the task, but the results were visible, and it was for the purpose of beauty in a sort, so I enjoyed it. It was like it was my house and I was on my own, doing my own work. Taking my time and doing a good job.
The day didn’t stay that way. Worries came eventually. Too many to recount. Some bigger than others. Some more enduring than others.
I feel like I’m not supposed to be sad about this. I feel like I’m not supposed to have any regrets, that I’m supposed to be confident, and doubtless, maybe even apathetic. After all, it was I who broke it off, it was my initiative, though ultimately our decision. I wan’t happy to do it, and I’m not happy it’s done. I still think it was the best decision, but I am ignorant, so who knows. I feel like she shouldn’t know I feel this way, that it’s supposed to look to her that since I broke it off, that I’m supposed to have dropped my feelings for her. Maybe it’s worse putting it somewhere like here and not telling her. I feel like a 21 year old should be handling this differently. A 21 year old should be tougher or something, not so alone. I hate being alone. I don’t think a 21 year old should be afraid to stay alone in his house. Mum and dad are out of town, and Kristyn is in Grand Rapids, so I’m alone, in nearly all respects of the word. I feel like a 21 year old shouldn’t be so afraid to put information like being home alone on the internet out of fear someone is watching and is going to come over and kill me, or something along those lines. I don’t think a 21 year old should get as little sleep as I’ll get these next two nights because I’ll be frightened by every sound.
I heard a song on the radio on the way home from Applebee’s. I really liked it. It was almost like folk-jazz. I don’t remember what three instruments, drums with brushes, I think an upright bass, and I think an acoustic guitar. It wasn’t a sad song. So it was kind of happy. It was a content song. A song that felt great to hear. But it had no effect on me, and I didn’t enjoy it like I wanted to.
I feel like I used the word ‘feel’ too much, and I don’t feel that it is conveying the proper feeling.