December 14, 2005 @ 3:09 pm by sean
Communion became more real to me yesterday while driving home than any trip up to the altar.
The last few days at Judson were fantastic ones. They weren’t crazy, extravagent things, just a concentrated amount of the usual; the usual that I enjoy so much.
Wednesday night Lauren, Abby, Amy, Nathan, Ian, and I went out per usual of Wednesday nights. We went somewhere new, but it was as funny as ever. Afterwards we went to the studio to take pictures of ourselves. It was soo much fun. I love those five people very much. When we left there I played out on the ice by myself, until Jess came and joined me. We were out there for nearly an hour. And I am still a little sick. And I fell on my knee and elbow, and it hurt bad.
Thursday was usual classes. Josh and I had our usual romp through the woods after Art History I. Some people went to see Narnia, and others study, so I was lonely. So I went and sat with Amy and Ian as Amy helped Ian study for written boards. I didn’t say much. I just wanted to be with them. Eventually I went to bed.
Friday I cleaned out my studio, and Nathan, Ian, and I went to dinner. Then we headed over to Denny’s for ‘roommate time.’ It turned out that Ian had gotten a bunch of people together to surprise Nathan and me. It was very sweet of Ian. And very appreciated. I certainly didn’t talk to everyone there, but that’s ok. I was happy that soo many people I liked were in one place having a good time. We went to the Squire from there and met up with some other folks and had a grand time. And from there we went to the Renaud’s were some of the people who were at Denny’s and some new people were. We stayed there until close to 3. And it was lovely.
Saturday I packed. I went to commencement. Said good-bye to Melanie and Justin. Then Natalie picked me up and we ran errands. That was fun. And then we came back her apartment to ready for the party. Lauren was already there making chocolate covered strawberries. I made a carrot cake. Eventually people started showing up. It was a grand evening of socializing. Eventually it was time for sleep, at an odd 12:30. That was early. And I was not prepared to sleep. The sooner I slept, the sooner I left. And leaving meant saying good-bye. Fortunately Natalie came into the room and we talked. And eventually she went to her room and I staying in mine and slept.
I woke up on Sunday to Lauren saying good-bye. She gave me a photo album of photos from Wednesday night. And that brought very much joy to my heart. Slowly I got up and got ready to leave. Eventually I said good-bye, and left.
As I drove I got hungry and started eating the various snack foods I brought for the trip. Knowing most were unhealthy, I took out my portion of the bread Abby made for Ian, Nathan, and me. As I put a piece in my mouth, the strange idea that I was eating a part of Abby came into my mind.
I didn’t say good-bye to Abby. I was so focused on packing before commencement that I forgot she was leaving at 3 while I was at commencement and I needed to say good-bye before I went there. It took me a while to realize it, and when I did I was devestated. She’ll be back to India long before I return to Judson. I have memories of her. Wonderful photographs courtesy of Lauren. But the bread that I ate was part of her. She made the bread. The bread was her creation. It is her last gift to me before I would leave her.
The bread I ate was her love for me. It is the last physical manifestation of her that I have. I’d half like to keep it air tight in it’s half eaten state as a memorial of our frienship. But that would be a waste of a (delicious) gift. Besides, the real gift is love, not the bread.
Jesus was God’s creation. The bread, the wine, everything in that room was God’s creation. Whether they are symbols of Jesus or Jesus himself doesn’t matter, because the real gift is God’s love for us. What’s been slowly happening this year is a change in the way I judge; an attempt to not base my actions on what is strictly right or wrong, but what is showing love to other people.
This semester I’ve gotten far less sleep than normal. Been far less studious. Went to less shows. Met less people. Skipped a class. Drank a beer on a few occasions. But I opened myself up to the love that these wonderful people at Judson have for me, and that I could hopefully show them the love I have for them. I’m not sad this is over because of all the regrets I have, because I have very few. I’m sad because it’s been so wonderful because I opened myself up to be changed and loved by other people. (And ironicaly, my GPA rose slightly.)
The other night I had a dream and a person from Judson said You can see how helpful it is to look without eyes. Strangely, it was in reference to camping without a flashflight, but blind love just like blind justice. Just as God showed Peter in Acts 10 that God shows no partiality to people, neither should I.
The dreams from the last few nights that I remember are all about Judson in some way. I was having finals worries even though I’m home and finals are over.
This whole post sounds very unemotional. And being removed from it all for even just a few days, has began to separate me from it. Admittedly, I am rushed in writing this, even though I began it on Monday. I wanted to get it out there today, but I need to get moving to other things. What it doesn’t convey, and perhaps what it cannot, is the love I felt these few days. And the love that epitomized this semester. I can tell the events, but the love was a feeling that came with them and the specific people involved.
It is certainly a blessing to have so many marvelous friends at Judson, and ma copine at home. But at the same time, it could kill a man. When I’m home, I want to be with her. When I’m at school, I want to be with them. But at the same time, I always want the opposite of what I have. But in January I will be without both. And again, I will be going on a grand adventure alone to a land I’ve dreamed of visiting, but at the same time, I will be leaving every single person I love. Besides Angie and Carley. But they won’t be with like these people are with me. They’ll just be on the same side of the ocean.
I think I forget what modern technology can do. This isn’t the 15th century anymore. I can still talk instantly through email, and im, and a phone, and slightly longer through a reliable mail carrier. And I can drive and visit them. It is not in anyway the same as living with these people, but all is not, and will not be lost. Though at the same time, I feel like I want some time apart. Maybe that’s not a good idea. I feel like because the good-byes were so intense, that they should be accompanied by a certain time of separation. I’m not sure.