May 13, 2005 @ 12:41 am by sean
This evening I went with my parents to the Romeo High School student art show. The kids who were freshmen when I graduated are now graduating seniors, so I didn’t expect to find too many people I knew, and, as I expected, I didn’t see too many people I knew. Strangely though, I spent some time talking with two seniors that I had known while attending Romeo, but they were two that I hardly knew, and were hardly consequential to my life at school there. But all the same, it was very neat to see them and I’m very glad we talked. The first was Sarah Schmidt. We had sculpture together. She was very nu metal then, but she was still neat, so I still talked to her. That was a great class. Joe, Mike, Shane, Nikko, Brad, Carissa, Danielle, and Sarah. Every class was great. That was so fun, even though I didn’t really learn much. Regardless, Sarah is definitely not nu metal anymore. She can be who she wants, but I’m glad to see the change. I’m not sure what she is now, I’m not sure it is necessary to classify. I nearly immediately recognized her, but I’m shy, so I didn’t say anything right away. She was sitting next to a girl who was displaying the best high school art I’ve ever seen. Well, I think. We talked a little, caught up, exchanged e-mail addresses. She was neat 3 years ago, she seems even more so now.
The second girl was Amie. I don’t know Amie’s last name, nor do I think I ever did. I knew Amie less well than Sarah. Amie was a very outgoing punk rock chick 3 years ago. I had some punk rock in me, so she talked to me. She was cute. She still is, though she’s a hardcore kid now. Not so scene I guess. She wants to go to school to be a librarian, that’s neat. Again, we talked a little, caught up, exchanged screen names and phone numbers. She seemed more grown up than last time I saw her.
So that’s my summary of the events, here is are my thoughts. Age means absolutely nothing. I am a horrible estimator of one’s years of life. I think I am still in high school. 3 years have gone by, but nothing much has changed. TV has adequately handicapped my perception of reality. I’m not sure I can organize all this, or remember to say all I’m thinking. I suppose this is why we brainstormed, prewrote, rough/first draft, edit, second draft, edit, final draft. I usually go straight to final draft/edit. For the most part, Sarah and Amie looked nearly identical to when I last saw them 3 years ago. I suppose that is expected. Amie grew a little. But talking to them, it still felt like they were high school freshman, and I, a high school senior. I’m a college senior now! When I think of John Kerr, and Mike Devereax, and Jeff McMinn, and Mark Rezuetik, who graduated when I was a junior, it is impossible for me to picture them as a current graduating high school senior. Everyone has gotten older, but everyone still looks the same to me. The way they looked to me then, is how all my recently graduated friends look. In my head they look the same age. To picture any of John or Mike or them in Sean’s place is ridiculous. They seemed so old then, so to think of them as how I now view a high school senior is not possible. Perhaps this is because I never saw them as graduating high school seniors when I was 3 years older than them, because that never happened.
This is also why I can no longer estimate the biological age of anyone younger than myself. When I was younger, a high school senior was big(not only because of my height), and even now, having looked at the athletic hall of fame and seeing people from my year, they look like high school seniors. But now, the high school seniors look like high school freshman. Even the freshman in college have seemed years younger than me. My idea of a high school senior is not what I view Sean to be. But my expectations may be all wrong, if I have any at all. It didn’t seem like many of the freshman at Judson the last two years should have been in college. A high school freshman now looks quite young, but the seniors to me look like they should be high school freshman, perhaps because this is how I knew them. Sean is still graduating soon. And very well he should be. Alyson is nearly 17, but she isn’t much like others of her age. But she isn’t entirely similar to those my age either.
Or perhaps because I haven’t done much changing since I last saw them. I’ve certainly learned more, but I’m not sure I’ve done much by way of developing into an adult. I have nearly lived for twenty one years, but the experience I expect a twenty one year old to have, I have not had. I still have high school problems. Just look at what I write in this thing. I have no adult worries. I still worry about girls, I still worry about being cool, I still worry about grades and teachers, I’m still afriad to stay home alone at night, I’m still afraid that when I get home after 3 am and the back door is open and the blinds are open and the cat is still outside that my parents have been murdered upstairs and that their murderer is now waiting somewhere in the dark house to kill me; I don’t worry much about money, or death, or a career, or a 401k versus a pension, debt, the war. In making my life comfortable, I’ve eliminated most chances for experience. I’ve not grown or developed much because I haven’t allowed much experience to grow or develop by.
“What I like about experience is that it is such an honest thing. You may take any number of wrong turnings; but keep your eyes open and you will not be allowed to go very far before the warning signs appear. You may have deceived yourself, but experience is not trying to deceive you. The universe rings true wherever you fairly test it.” – C.S.Lewis
I’ve not made many wrong turns, because I’ve never sought out any other path but the safe and comfortable path. I made one wrong turn quite a few times. I came upon a different and great path last September, but I promtly made devestatingly wrong turns. My life is boring. I am competely aware of that, more so than anyone else who has seen hardly any of it, so I don’t need to be told I am wrong. I am quite suprised that I have had enough to say to post everyday this week, I’ve hardly accomplished anything.
This is why age really means nothing. Sure, I am almost twenty one years of age, and although I cannot lawfully be responsible to drink or purchase alcohal, I already know I can. Hm. But perhaps it is irresponsible of me to have drunken alcohal to know I can be responsible, because I cannot yet lawfully do so. Hmm. Regardless. None of the actors in Saved By The Bell or any high school show were nearly high school age. This has done well to distort my image of a properly behaved teen matched with a properly aged person. They did not act appropriately to their perceived age. I was told they were in highschool for purposes of the show, though they certainly did not appear to be so. But at the same time, I conceived an image in my mind of a highschool student that looked as they did. So this is always what I expect. They of course, had the physical characteristics of a college student, or even older.
I guarantee there are highschool students with far more life experience than what I have. My life is easy. Always has been, though maybe sometimes harder than I realized. Some of this is unavoidable. I can’t help the lack of death in my family. I can’t help my fortunate financial situation. I can’t help the presence, however minimal, of natural talents and abilities. I can’t help nearly everything has gone my way. They are blessings for sure, but in a sense, I have perverted them. And at the same time, I take few chances, few risks. My life is short on experience and excitement. This is one of the reasons I keep my speaking to a minimal. As long as other people are talking, it is difficult for them to notice I can only respond, I honestly don’t have much to say. Many of my learning experiences have been vicarious. That isn’t a bad way to learn, but not the only way to learn.
I put so many restrictions on myself. What I am; what I can do; who I am; what is possible; what is likely. God has given me over to the desire of my heart – for things to go my way, on my terms. For things to go my way, they can’t involve much risk because I am not much to depend on, especially compared to the dependability of God. I have sufficiently dug myself into a very deep hole that God could easily get me out of. The problem, is that I dug the hole in separation from God and His way of doing things, so now I don’t know how to accept His help to get me out.
This whole thing sounds very ‘highschool.’