May 23, 2005 @ 2:39 pm by sean
Does anyone posses Unwed Sailor ‘Stateless’ or ‘Circle of Birds EP’ or ‘The Magic Hedge’ that I may listen to them?
Friday I went up to the cottage with mum and dad to visit (great) uncle Gary and auntie Yvonne. Grandma Bernie was up there too. They weren’t there right when we got there, so we went down to the beach. It’s always neat to see how the water has changed the beach each time we go up. Dad and I skipped almost every skippable rock we could find. I saved some for the pond at Judson. Mum skipped some too. The water wasn’t freeezing like usual. That gives me more hope for going in and staying in rather than running in, going under, and running out screaming. I guess even if the air isn’t warm, the water shows the effects of global warming.
We walked back up and waited for them to get back from dinner. We went to visit ’cause uncle Gary’s mom died a few days before that. I honestly thought she died a few years ago. Good for her for staying alive longer than I thought. There was some drama between uncle Gary and uncle Walt(who I don’t think I ever met) and grandma Boelstler(she wasn’t my grandma. she was dad’s cousins grandma. she was just always refered to as grandma Boelstler. I refered to them how they were refered to by my elders), but I think it may have smoothed out a little. It is so sad to hear about family arguements that result in people not talking and being spiteful.
They came back and we talked for a while. Some good stories, but I don’t remember them now. Then we drove home.
Saturday uncle Jeff, Taylor, Linsday, Alex, uncle David, dad and I went to the Selfridge Air National Guard Base Air Show. It was pretty fricken sweet. Jets are soo cool. And loud. Flying is amazing, I’m glad human kind figured out how to do it. I really want to fly. Pilot fly, not passenger fly. I’ve driven on land and water, but not air. And jets are so fast. And the stunt pilot guys do crazy crazy stuff. The Blue Angel’s where there. And a Stealth B2 Bomber. I don’t much like war, but the military is pretty sweet.
A couple years ago when I went to the air show a guy was doing a barrel roll or whatever they are called, and his wing hit the ground and he crashed and died. I never really realized that I watched someone die. Hm.
After, Ben and Martha picked me up and we went back to Ben and Lisa’s apartment. We talked a little as Lisa woke up. Talked a little about the Mars Volta and the Mahavishnu Orchestra. I found 3 Mahavishnu albums in my dad’s collection. We went to Jimmy John’s but they were closed, so a guy Ben knows gave us two loaves of bread. They were sooo good. When we got back, Alyson, Jillian and Carley were there, but Carley and Jillian left to meet up with Jeff. So we went and met up with Erin, Ian, and I think Sarah, who is Erin’s sister. I don’t really know Erin or Ian very much. We went to a carnival in Grosse Pointe, which was appropriately priced for Grosse Pointe, so we didn’t do much. I wasn’t willing to spend that much for that little excitement. The people were fun. Then Ben and Lisa and Alyson drove me home.
Sunday I attempted to get up, and failed miserably. I finally woke up when mum and dad got back from church and I attempted to read chapter 4 of Philippians. The first half of that chapter is good. But I fell asleep pretty much between each verse. I finished and had breakfast with mum and dad, then came back and read a chapter of Suprised by Joy by C.S.Lewis, and fell asleep nearly every other paragraph. I finally got up and cut down some more of the tree, but I couldn’t climb it ’cause it was raining. I couldn’t finish it today because it was raining.
I probably did something after that, I don’t remember what.
Then Jillian and I went to Metro Beach and walked around it. We got drenched ’cause it was raining. I had an umbrella, but we decided it was more classic to get drenched and go home and drink a hot beverage. We called Alyson before we left so she would put on the water so we could have tea when we got back. And then we did. And then I hung out at the Vrazo’s for a while. I watched them pack for camping. Alyson and I made a long magnet word sentence. I helped Mr. Vrazo fix their cast iron camping stove. We talked, heard stories, enjoyed the company, then I left.
I was supposed to hang out with Kelly today, but she couldn’t. I forgot she works in Dearborn though, so we’ll be able to get lunch sometime. Two corporate interns, being all business like getting lunch. Both connected to Ford. Ech. I got some business clothes today. Mostly casual, but a slightly higher on the dressy scale than usual. I had a difficult time getting up today too, so I didn’t accomplish much unfortunately.
Why don’t they make skin Febreeze?
No one plays with my hair at home. I miss it. It almost doesn’t seem like it would fit in around here. I’ll just play with my own I suppose.
Andy moved his skateboarding party to the 11th instead of this weekend, but I think that is when Mike and Jen are coming into town if they still are, so I think I’ll still miss it. I still need bearings anyway.
Tomorrow is the big day. I’m feeling a little nervous. It’s after 2 am and I need to get up in 8 hours and I accidentally took a nap a little bit ago and now I’m not tired.
I want more. Not stuff, I think I’ve got enough of that. The only physical things I’d like more of is film and music. I want more life. I want more experience. I want more of interest. I want more stories to tell. I think I need to leave for that. At least for a little. Maybe a semester and summer in England will be enough. I don’t much like to leave, I like what I have and am afraid to lose it. When I am in England next semester, people will be done with school and I may never see them again this side of heaven. I love those people. I want to be with them as much as possible. But it seems staying around the areas I am familiar with, and comfortable with, aren’t always very exciting. Going away to school helped a lot with that. Getting a real job I suspect will help with that. I’ve done a great job of not getting the most out of the opportunities I’ve had, and now I need new opportunities. Student loans will be holding me back. Not wanting to leave people will hold me back. Jillian is thinking of moving to Texas. I don’t want her to. I don’t want to miss her. Even though I have so many people who love me, I’m afraid of being alone. And perhaps then not being loved. I want someone to depend on for the rest of my life, but not someone family, ’cause I know I can depend on them for life. The Detroit area doesn’t have much by way of experiences. I need to look for them more. It seems everything around here costs money, which is something I don’t have. That’s why I’ll live here, to help make this a better place. But until then, I need to go somewhere. I think it’s time to move out. I’m not sure mum and dad have realized that. I won’t until I graduate though. It’s just time. I’m too old. I’m trying to learn, but I just can’t while living here. I want my own experiences, I want to learn on my own. But if I keep living here, I will always have them telling me how to do things. That’s the way we think in my family. Everything has a right way to get done, and it would be foolish to not do it that way, and if someone can tell you that way, even better. That means it is difficult to learn things on my own. They used to say ‘go look it up’ when I wanted to know a definition, which I appreciate now, but big things that they ‘know the right way’ they feel a need to tell me, even if I don’t ask. At the same time though, I’m trying to learn what I can while I’m here. How marriage works. How cooking works. How installing a garbage disposal works. How maintaining a home works. How doing home improvements works. How parenting works. How financing works. How investing works. Home is so convenient. Anything I need(besides cable to watch the Pistons) is right here. Sometimes we don’t always have the certain kind of food I’d like at a certain moment, but I get by. There are lights for seeing. Sewing machine and thread and needles for fixing. Food for eating. Beverages for drinking. Internet for using. TV and a DVD player and a good stereo for movies. A good stereo for music. Lawnmower for mowing. Tools for fixing and improving. Chairs and sofas for sitting. Flatware and silverware for eating. Ingredients for cooking. Beds for sleeping. People for loving. If it’s my parents, it’s mine. If it’s mine, it’s my parents. I don’t want to live in an apartment, I want a house. Houses are expensive. Especially around here. I want a home to take care of like this. My parents want to move, I don’t want them too. Only if they give me this house I finally like this place because we are finally finishing all the improvements we’ve been making since we moved in almost 16 years ago. Now they want to leave. They want to go north, I’d rather go south. My opinion isn’t necessary in this decision. I want something stable. Something finished. But they want to move and start a whole new project and get a horrible manufactured home and do all the finishing work and they’ll take another 16 years to finish that. This place is finally starting to be complete, a place I enjoy being at, a place I’d enjoy entertaining company at.
So for the next two years, I’ll learn as much as I can, and hopefully be prepared to live on my own. I am terrified to live on my own. Not because I’d be lonely, hm, maybe, but because I am terrified of being alone. It’s easier to be murdered alone. I’m not sure that’s true, but it seems like it. And having someone around gives me comfort. I really don’t want to live on my own. I suppose that means a wife I suppose. In my limited view of life anyway. That’s why I told Alyson my plan after I graduate is to get married. Though I’ll be older than 21 by then.
I want a life deserving of Unwed Sailor. When I listen to it, even the Firecracker EP and The Faithful Anchor, not just The Marrionette and the Music box. The music sounds like a life more than my life. I just live. I just do the usual. There isn’t really an American life I can imagine that deserves to have Unwed Sailor as a ‘soundtrack’. Unwed Sailor is music fit for a life of meaning, a life of family, a life of love, a life of being content, a life of simplicity, a life of unperverted enjoyment, a life of trial and growth, a life of honesty, a life of experience; not a life of money, or possesions, or American success. To me, at least it is. I want a more rural life, but not American rural. American rural is ugly. American rural is poor. Even though I’ve never seen European rural, the pictures I’ve seen and the stories I’ve heard sure make it sound much more beautiful. Not dry and yellow and orange and barren and dirty. But green, and full of life and character and tradition and life. I can’t disassociate America with money. So American rural farmers just seem poor, because most are by American standards. And that’s why there are less and less of them, because many are going to cities for money. But European rural is a long traditional way of life. They may be poor, but money isn’t the point anyway. America is money. Money is ugly. If A = B and B = C, than A = C.
I think I shouldn’t go to Europe. I have this dream of it being practically heaven. But it probably won’t be. And that is why I’ll never leave here. That’s why I need to go to Europe.
I am a disagree-er. Carley told me that. I hadn’t competely noticed it before she said it. I had seen it, but never defined it. It is really annoying. I need to stop it. I’m still attempting to figure out what it all means and why and how I do it. Maybe I’ll say more some other time.
The Album Leaf and Sigur Rós did a song together. It’s really good. Better than my biography would be.
On May 10th, a String Quartet Tribute to the Mars Votla was released. It could either be really good, or really horrible. The samples on amazon.com don’t really inform much. There are 157 string quartet tribute albums on amazon. Very many of the bands don’t deserve any kind of tribute at all.