April 5, 2005 @ 1:59 pm by sean
Mike Smith may be only two years older than I, but he seems to have far more than two more years worth of wisdom, good character, and chivalrous attitude; especially in relation to dealings with the female sex. I feel like a high-schooler again when we talk, well, about anything really. I have the best roommate ever.
I made a comment that I didn’t really think about to him last night in our conversation, but after I said it, I realized there was much truth in it, and it should perhaps lead to action. I think maybe I need to stop liking girls for now. I don’t mean like guys instead, but just not like girls for now. I attribute where I am now, good and bad, to doing this ten months or so ago, and perhaps it is time to do it again. I suppose I should think more about it before deciding, but it seems appropriate. It could just be extreme passivity. Part of the reason I think I should do it, is I’m somewhat passive about two relatively separate things, so because I won’t be anything but passive and I just kind of wait to see what happens, I’ll stop both and have no choice to make, because obviously I’m too scared to decide anything. My other option of course is to just decide something, but that has far more risks that I don’t think the rewards are that much greater. Though I wouldn’t know if they are greater unless I experience them. Ignorance is not bliss.
“The inner nature of peoples is always determining for the manner in which outward influences will be effective. What leads the one to starvation trains the other to hard work.” Adolf Hitler
So here I starve. Thinking the same thoughts, going down the same road, heading to the same destination. It is all so familiar. It seems nothing has really changed these last few months, I just, I don’t know what I did. I thought I was making an effort, but it seems I only stopped paying attention. It seems the only way to go is down. Supposedly I need confidence in myself to accomplish anything or to move forward, but I have nothing to have confidence in. I have confidence in what God made me, but not what I have made of His creation. I only am what I have made of myself.
“If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation. The old has passed away, see, everything has been made new.” Paul
Even if I am in Christ, as I so desire to be, and consequently am a new creation, the old creation is still there. I still have to live with what I did, or didn’t do for that matter, with the old creation. I can’t forget what I’ve done. I can only be what I’ve been until I do something new, but how can I do something new?
This is all my fault. I am competely responsible for everything. How frustratingly true.
My tallest morning glory is already about two inches. It would be about two and a quarter or more, but it is on the window sill so it leans towards the sun. It grows to the sun. It can’t live without the sun. It’s always leaning towards where the sun was last. I could turn the pot around, and it would lean the other way; always facing the sun with it’s leaves unfolded as wide as it can to soak up all the sun has to offer.
Why can’t I be a morning glory?
I’m not going to get to see Jon before he lives. I might not ever see him again. What a shame.