April 11, 2005 @ 11:21 pm by sean
I guess in all, I’m dissapointed. And as the days go on and the end of the semester comes closer, my dissapointment only seems to intensify.
It is with myself of course that I’m dissapointed. I’m dissapointed in the world and people and friends around me, but it’s my actions, reactions, and attitudes about those things that I am far more dissapointed in.
I spoke by phone with Matt a few hours ago. Talking to him sort of reinforced my feelings of being inconsequential and my problems being trivial. It is so wonderful to hear him speak of Vikki and Olivia. I can’t wait to meet Olivia. I think she is perhaps the only infant I have a real interest in seeing. She’s only about three months, and I still don’t much fancy babies, but hearing of what a blessing she has been to Matt and Vikki and how much God has changed Matt’s life from what it was last year to where it is now, this baby means a lot to me. Hearing about this and how God is taking care of them reminded me of how much of my life is Judson, and has become as Matt affectionately refers to as J-hole. I have many warm feelings for Judson and the opportunities and changes in my life that have come as a result of my attendance here, but this semester I have done much to limit myself to Judson. I don’t like ‘the Judson bubble’ term maybe because it is cliché. Professor Loven calls it a Baptist utopia. Either way, I have focused too much of my life on happenings here, though I’m not entirely sure I regret it. It is quite easy to be singularily involved with life at Judson, even if I’m not that involved with many activities, my life right now is basically Judson. Not having a car most of the semester definitely helped me save on gas, but it also limited my opportunities to explore life outside of this campus. Not having a computer in my room helped me get outside of the room and spend time elsewhere, but it also made communication with home difficult, and I regret hardly being involved with the lives of people at home. I miss Ben and Lisa and Jillian and Carley and Alyson and Sean and Jeff and Andy and Kelly. I’m dissapointed I haven’t always missed them this much. Last year Matt and I often questioned our relevance to the outside world. I haven’t much considered the outside world this semester. Much of my world has become my friends, and I think I’m asking too much of them. Those friends, or the friendships rather, have been a recent dissapointment. It seems that as the semester ends, I am feeling disconnected from many of my friends. Our friendship doesn’t appear to be as important as it was to some of them even just a few weeks ago. Perhaps because I know I’ll be leaving them shortly I create things to be mad at them about to give me reasons to not miss them as much. For some reason, I thought that just because I liked photography, I’d be good at it. But when I look at my photographs, it is quite obvious I’m not. I figured that because I like people, and I like people to like me, people would like me. I know everyone in the world won’t like me, but lately I’ve had many reminders that my longest friendship was from kindergarten to fifth grade, and that I’ve never really had a best friend. This puts me in an optimal situation to make best friends with God; however, I am, without excuse, a constant failure at making that a realization. Dan was explaining the social penetration theory to me the other day, and he explained how we meet people and reveal a little at a time and certain people know only certain things. This is very much my life, but I’ve been finding recently that it isn’t only because I attempt to prevent one person from knowing everything, but also because no one sticks around long enough to know it. The reasons for that are probably more my fault than any. I love my friends, but I know me better than they do, and if they knew any bit of the me I know, I can’t blame them for not sticking around. I can just be dissapointed in myself.
Events of last September started off the best year of my life, and am I forever dissapointed in how those events ended, and constantly reminded of my dissapointment. But I’m also dissapointed in the changes that haven’t happened that I expected to. I keep finding many ways that I’m the same person. Altruism is still my greatest inadequacy.
There are so many things I had planned for this semester that for one reason or another, didn’t get accomplished. Many of them seem unavoidable, but I can’t say that with certainty because finding many of the reasons unavoidable was my justification for not getting them done.
So much of the things that matter to me, so much of my life here at Judson, doesn’t seem to matter. I’d like to think they do because they are such a large part of my life, but as certain parts of my life are leaving, I’m not sure if some of them are worth fighting to keep. Some fights teach greater lessons for the rest of my life, some matter only temporarily.
Many things were changed this year, many things were accomplished, but in all, my life doesn’t seem to be what it could be. Sometimes I think that is necessary. I think that satisfaction and consequential confidence will only lead to a stalemate. So perhaps I will always be my greatest dissapointment, I will always be the biggest problem of my life.
Sometimes I think it’s okay that my life is mostly Judson. That is where I am, that is where I am being prepared for life outside of Judson. It’s just when things seem to not work out that I fear I’ll be left with nothing, which is part of my biggest fear.
I kind of feel like my life is similar to a video game. I can accomplish something, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter and nothing real got accomplished.
It’s amazing how much one unsent e-mail can mean.
At the end of this flash puzzle thing my grandma sent me, it said ‘maybe today will be the day all the pieces fall together.’ I can only hope.