January 4, 2005 @ 1:37 am by sean
Wow. That came a lot faster than I expected. A lot more intense than I expected. This is a tough challenge. Right off the bat, something that makes me question and reconsider this whole thing. I mean the whole thing; from the very beginning. I really don’t know what to make of this. This ranks very near the last thing I expected. Wow. Could this really be the truth? If so, that would be….I’m not sure there is a word. Ironic works I guess, it would definitely be ironic. Strange, indeed. This deserves the exclamation of ‘remarkable’, but this is not a good thing. So what ever word like, remarkable, amazing, but with negative connotations, that would apply. Dumbfounding perhaps? Astounding and shocking I guess. I chuckle because this is funny in an ‘I don’t know how to react either emotionally or logically and I don’t know what to make of this or what to think or accept so I laugh to cover up the horror of what this might mean’ kind of way. This is unbelievable. This completely changes the nature of the entire situation. This might take a while to figure out, because I’m not sure I’m going to have the opportunity to think about this before I go back to school, and when school starts, hm, when school starts; perhaps it’s best not to think of then. This needs attention that I’m not sure I have the time to give it. Maybe not. I can think of one quick decision….but I’m not going to make it. Yet. Though I’m not sure how I can make any other decision. There are so many ways I could react to this, but I think I know the best way; Jesus will be my guide.
I can already see some things that will be challenges for me. I’m somewhat excited I get to face a challenge because this will be a challenge I know I’ve avoided, but at the same time, I’m really dissapointed, and at the moment the word disgusted sounds appropriate, that this challenge has come up. The implications of this are ridiculous, and I keep thinking more and more about what this means.
[I’m not allowing comments as a way of saying, ‘don’t ask what it is’. I’m not going to say. Don’t waste your time asking. Whether it is true or not, what it is will not be heard from me. I’ve confided in one person who has been perhaps the greatest friend through all of this, and if it gets past that person, or if any bad comes from me telling that person, I will take full responsibility. Besides whom has already been told, under no conditions will I tell anyone, regardless of the pertinence they may have in the situation or it’s pertinence to their life, what it is.]
Oh God, keep my heart set on you. This is starting to really hurt, but at the same time, this seems so unreal it’s like it’s happening to someone else, like she is someone else. I fear this is only the beginning.
I’m going to Canada tonight because I can buy alcohal there and drink my problems away. Except I don’t get drunk. I can probably buy some weed there and smoke my mind, make me feel better for a small time. Except I don’t smoke. I can get lost in a world of literature, but eventually I’ll have to come back. I want to cry, but crying doesn’t solve anything. I can make analogies, but they don’t change anything. No lyrics can take this away, so I listen to Dvorak, and Bach, and Beethoven, and Mozart, and Chopin and Shubert instead. I want to curse and yell and scream, but I’m not loud or vulgar. I want to go away and be by myself and bottle this up like always, but I know this challenge is for me, and I will face it. Whatever that means. I want to be quiet now. And I can be, so I will be.
It’s proving easier to believe that my life since September 11th didn’t happen than to believe this is true. This just doesn’t even seem possible.