January 6, 2005 @ 12:47 am by sean
And so it begins.
This is an it completely non-related to the it in the last post. For the most part, I don’t have anything to say publically about that it until I talk to her. I just hope I can. I have hope for good, what ever that good may be, I don’t care. I want good to come of this, for both of us, what ever that means.
Back to this other it. I’m not saying much about this other it yet. This it has been going on for a while, but I’m just getting involved. I can’t wait to graduate. I love school so dang much, but I’m beginning to see more of what can come of my labor. Emphasis on can. I’m not going to make the same mistake I’ve always made. This is only a can, I’m sure there are others can’s and I have to be open to what God will do and show me. He brought this can, and He might bring others.
It’s so exciting to see how my life is coming together for service to God. How my experiences in life, the things I’ve learned, the way I was raised, the people I’ve encountered, the things I’ve thought, the places I’ve lived, the places I’ve gone; it’s all coming together. I’m not going to be this mediocre, underachieving, average person forever. Even if I don’t accomplish much, I’m going to be part of an attempt to change the world, and that is a lot right there. I finally feel like I have potential. I have hope I won’t be a nobody forever. When one has nothing special, when an area is at it’s lowest, God can finally get in there and do something. This is only the beginning. I can’t wait to learn more this semester. I can’t wait to challenge myself. I can’t wait to make an effort for God. I can’t wait to effort for making something of my life. I can’t wait to make the effort to make God my life. There are so many possibilities, and I’m going to be excited about possibilities instead of continuing to be afraid of too many possibilities.
I’m going to take action. I’m going to face problems. I’m going to fail. I’m going to strive. I’m going to hope. I’m going to acheive. I’m going to be God’s servant. I’m going to live to make the effort that when life ends, God will say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I’m going to learn. I’m going to serve. I’m going to live a real life.
A thought in passing. I may have heard this somewhere, infact I probably did, but maybe now I’m just observing it. Regardless, the Gospel seems to have become the Gospel of religion and not the Gospel of love. That when many people speak of spreading the Gospel, they speak of spreading religion, even spreading a denomination. I may be wrong, but when we spread the Gospel, shouldn’t we spread love? I guess the basis of our intents is for everyone to become followers of God, and I understand Jesus is the basis of the Gospel, but isn’t the basis of Jesus love and not western religion. I write this sort of apprehensively because religion should be based on love, Love rather, but they seem to have taken different roads. I’m not sure how to say what I’m thinking, but when my dad said something about using the disaster relief to spread the Gospel, I got the feeling he meant to go make christians out of everybody. While that is a good thing for sure, if one is a christian, aren’t they spreading the Gospel just by going over there and taking care of the people? If they are truely christian, they are helping out because they naturally show the Love of Christ. Jesus didn’t just say ‘Follow God.’ He also healed people, Loved people, taught people, served people. Of course He wanted everyone to be followers of Him and God, but He didn’t just go around with oratory. This is hard to say because the two should go hand in hand, but it doesn’t seem like the intent is the same. I guess it roots in a fundemental change in a christian. They are becoming a religious person instead of a follower of Christ. And that changes the whole motivation behind evangelizing. When one is a follower of Christ, the motivation to spread the Gospel is a Love for Christ. When one is a religious person, the motivation to spread the Gospel is a love for the church building or establishment; not necessarily the church people or the Head of the church. That could be an incorrect observation. Tell me if it is.
Wow. That was a really horrible attempt to put my thoughts into words.
*the Dashboard cover of this is equally as good as the original. It’s Fantastic!*
‘Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on
‘Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on’
This song has been playing over and over for a while. My natural reaction to the it in the last post, is that I should be hurt. And when I really think about it, I am. Any time I consider what the truth is, if it is infact the truth, it hurts. I’m still having a difficult time accepting it to be truth(though I never will until she tells me that it really is), this just seems so impossible to actually be true. But God is faithful, and He shows me that the situation isn’t the only thing. There is also emotions to be felt, lessons to be learned, changes to be made, Him to look to. In some ways, I’m kind of glad it happened. My life is so usual and regular, that isn’t bad, and I enjoy the familiar excitements, but it’s kind of neat to have something of interest in my life that is atypical. It is completely my fault my life is so regular, and I can use this as a starting point to making my life more interesting. There is no other situation in my life that I can compare to the situation between her and I. In nearly every way it is different, and I am so glad for the change. I’m just shocked the whole truth of the situation may be as it is. I really want to know the truth, I really want to talk to her, I really want to understand, I really want no animosity. I really just have three, maybe two questions; though I’d really like to have a full, person-to-person conversation with her. I would like that a lot. Whatever the truth is, she has been a great point of interest in my life, and I’m quite thankful for her and what she has done and caused. I still wish I hadn’t done what I did, and that we wouldn’t be as we are, but now I can hope for change, and possibly something even greater than would have been possible before.
I guess what I’m saying in a lot of words, is that regardless of the truth, I’m still thankful for her, I still respect her, I’m still ashamed of how I acted, I still want to be her friend, I still think she is a person worth knowing, I still want to be involved in her life, and I still hope I’m wrong about what it looks like the truth is, and I hope all is not lost.
When I think back on the parts of the last few months she was in, mostly only the good parts come up. Even if it’s not the whole picture, I’m okay with it. Well, until I talk to her, I still regard the bad parts as entirely my fault. But if the truth turns out to be as it seems, I’m not really that hurt, and not really that mad, because whatever the truth is, much good has come of the situation; for me at least, and I pray for her too. So if the truth is as it seems, I think I’ll just be really dissapointed.
I’m not sure why I didn’t write about this before, maybe I thought I wrote enough. Tuesday night I went over to Ben and Lisa and Jon’s, and Jillian and Alyson came over too. Jon left to get a hair cut for a little bit, but while he was gone, Ben made Thai food, and I helped. Unfortunately I was the only one who liked it. Lisa doesn’t like Thai food, Ben thought he failed at making it and got mad and wouldn’t eat it, and Jillian and Alyson are weak in faith and don’t eat meat. (rom. 14:2. Yeah, I’m joking. But sometimes it’s fun to take verses out of context.) I think Jon might have liked it. Either way, I thought it was scrumptious. Then, we went to Canada! J’aime Canada! We found this splendid coffee shop in Windsor that was better than almost any American coffee shop, naturally, and I got hot honey and milk! It was sooooo good. It was just steamed milk and honey. Beyond delicious. I heard more of France from Jon and Jillian. (I think I’m going to give myself a third name, Alyson helped me, so far it is Monsieur Maurice-Gustave Coté, said with the most outrageous, overemphasized, stereotypical French accent. The more I hear of France, the more I know that is where I would have been born if man had never sinned.) Then we walked by the Detroit River and watched the big pieces of ice float down. Just the noises of the ice floating and crashing into eachother was spectacular. Unfortunately my comrads were hosers and were cold, so we didn’t stay long.
Tonight, Ben, Lisa, Jon and I are going to Baker’s Keyboard Lounge to listen to some fantastic music. The Vrazo’s are one of those usual excitements in my life. So are other people around here, and I’m dissapointed so much busyness prevented me from getting to see more of them.
Oh, and the snow came to visit me once again!
Oh, and I got new shoes. Eck. I hate new shoes.
I’ll just count all my blessings and wonder what they’re doing here.
Oh, and I don’t know if when one reads the subscriptions through e-mail if one gets edits as well. So if you only read the e-mail things, don’t, ’cause I edit this thing a lot. I’ll probably edit this just after I submit it.