January 13, 2005 @ 10:52 pm by sean
I’m tired. Not just physically though.
You can make plans but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.
That’s definitely the most important thing I’ve learned recently, and maybe one of the most important things for me to remember all of my life.
I have plans, but I’m tired of not knowing what God’s purpose is until it has already happened, if I even get it then. I’m tired of not knowing before hand. I’m tired of sinning. I’m tired of being a sinner. I’m tired of being fallen. I’m tired of living in a fallen world. I’m tired of making mistakes. I’m tired of messing up. I’m tired of being the reason my life isn’t as God intended. I’m tired of having ill motivations. I’m tired of being dissapointed because I’m not focusing on God’s purposes. I’m tired of not being worthy. I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being ignorant. I’m tired of having so much, and then asking for more, and asking for what seems to end up to be the wrong thing.
No matter how much better life gets, the world is still fallen. Now matter how many challenges I overcome, I still need to grow more. No matter how much I am loved, I will still hate. No matter how many sins I rid from my life, I will still sin. Even the one who sins the least is still in last place with the rest of us. I could live a thousand million years, and I would still sin, I would still need to grow, I would still have more to learn. It’s like life is a favorite CD with a scratch and no matter how wonderful the music on the CD is, there will always be a scratch on it to interfere with the music.
I haven’t lost hope. I still have much of that. But what am I hoping in? Jesus has won the battle, but what does that mean? Am I hoping for anything besides heaven? Should I be? I’m tired of not being in heaven. I’m tired of living in sin with no chance of escaping it until life is over. I want everyone to be, and feel loved. I want to love everyone. I don’t want to mess up anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I want things to be better. I don’t want there to be a misunderstanding ever again.
The things that used to make me happy don’t make me happy as much. I feel like I’m looking for fulfillment in the creation instead of the Creator. How do I separate the things He has blessed me with from Him? It seems like any tangible thing, every tangible thing, which are all blessings, will get in the way of loving God. I feel like I have too much, but I don’t know what less to have. I want what cannot be: I want the world to be as before the fall.
I want to wake up in the morning and ask God, “So, what do we get to do today?” and I want to know like I’d know if I heard it from a person.
Everything has been working out lately, but not in the same way it used to. It used to work out because I put in the effort for it to be so. Now, I’m not worrying, and I think I’m letting God take care of it. There was a small problem with my tuition that was easily taken care of. A problem with my computer that is mostly taken care of, and will be finished soon. Vacation was great, even though at the beginning I didn’t want it. I’m back here were I want to be. And I got someone’s forgiveness that I’ve been hoping for for a while, and she even came to me, which is great because I was too unsure to go to her again. So what more could I want? There is only one thing I don’t have that I really want, but the rest of my life is in order. But something is missing, and I have no idea what it is. I have more understanding of life and God than ever before, but I still feel lost.
Is God still missing?