January 30, 2005 @ 1:01 am by sean
I ate dinner alone tonight(saturday). It would have taken more effort than I thought worth it to sit by any of the people I saw there. This is the first time I ever went a whole meal not sitting by anyone. I’ve watched other people do it before, and I’ve gone partially through meals alone, and I’ve noticed some commonalities between these by themselves people. Most try to look occupied. They read anything and everything. And if they don’t read, they attempt to look as if they are deep in thought, as they very well could be. It seems to be an effort to avoid eye contact. I guess people tend to feel sympathy for people who sit alone, and people don’t always want to be acknowledged as by themself, they don’t want a reason to receive sympathy. Because of this they also tend to face away from most people. And if someone joins their company, their demeanor changes immeadiately and they engage with their new chum intently, but not too much as to look as if they had been desperate.
Is contently unsatified an accurate explanation of how one should live? Content that one is never satisfied with the amount of God in one’s life and they always want more of God?
I wonder if my happiness recently was an illusion. Even though there was something I wanted that would have made me more happy, I felt somewhat complete. I don’t think completeness is something one will feel while corporal. Completeness is something for heaven, and hell is eternal incompleteness. Only God can complete somebody, but if He was to make that possible on Earth, there would be little need for heaven. When I tried to make myself happy, and take control, I made sure certain good things in my life would be there to attempt to complete me. But now those things don’t do what they used to. They are still there, and still good things, but they aren’t what completes someone. Only God can do that, and now that I’ve realized that, I’ve started to feel more joy from the old things, and my mind has made more sense of what’s going on. I guess I needed to know that it isn’t in the things God blesses one with that makes on whole, only God, and only in heaven can one be made whole by God, so while on earth I need to strive to love God as much as I can to be prepared for heaven. It seems that learning and growing with God is the point of life, and everything else is secondary. Everything else. Not just material things, but friends, frienship, book knowledge, joy, sorrow, music, art, conversation; it’s all a means to grow and constantly remain in the presence of God.
‘Saxon Shore’ and ‘Christopher O’Reily playing Radiohead’ are amazing sources of phenominal music. And consequently, J.D. is amazing for letting me borrow them.