December 6, 2004 @ 10:44 am by sean
More questions. More choices. More questions about choices. Still no answers.
I’ve had a lot of free time lately, even though I have a lot of projects to work on. I think it’s because of my lack of computer. And lack of wasted time on the computer. I’m thinking about not getting one for next semester. At the same time, the time normally would have wasted on a computer has still been spent not doing assignments, but being around people instead. I feel a lot better about not doing my best on assignments because I’ve had a lot of great times with people lately.
We just went for a ride in Brandon’s new 300C. It’s beautiful.
I’ve had a lot to say lately but never got around or wanted to post it
I’m really sad yesterday was the last time I’ll be at 2nd B for a whole month. Angie went back. I don’t think everyone will be at lunch today. Chapel is done.
Things are already starting to end.
I hate that word, and any conjugate that goes with it. I’ve heard that word all of my life, mostly from my parents. It comes from a very ‘black and white’ way of thinking. There is a right way to do everything, and you should’ve done it that way. One might think my parents would be successful know all one should do. But just as I do, they know what they should do, they just don’t, or can’t do it. My parents taught me all the ways I should act, all the things I should do, all the things I shouldn’t do. I guess that’s what any good parent should do. But by saying ‘should’, one is assuming there is a right way for everything, and consequently, everything that isn’t that way is wrong. So I’ve based everything on right and wrong. I didn’t want to do anything wrong because I didn’t want to hear, ‘well you should’ve done this.’ or ‘you should have done that.’ Even if something is good, it could still be better, so it should be done that way. Saying someone ‘should’ do something differently than they did is also suggesting that what they did wasn’t good enough, and had they done what they ‘should’ve’, they would be good enough. So pretty much nothing is ever good enough for my parents. Everything in the world should’ve been done differently to them. The world would be better if we all did what we should’ve. If my parents did what they should’ve I wouldn’t be here today. My parents never explicitely said, ‘you aren’t good enough,’ but I’ve heard enough should’ves in my life to know that’s what they meant, no matter how much ‘they love me no matter what I do.’
I obviously completely bought into this way of thinking and look at the world as very black and white with a right way to do most things. If someone does something, they may as well do it the right way. It makes the most sense. What my parents don’t realize, and what in the last year or so I realized, is that it’s OK to be wrong sometimes, and it’s OK to not do everything the best way. Perhaps this is a lazy way to live, but it seems that doing everything right and perfect rarely involves feeling, or emotions, or joy. Part of the reason I don’t always talk so much is because I don’t want to be wrong. I think I know more than most people think I do, but no one, including me, will ever know because I’ll never talk enough to find out; just in case I’m wrong.
There are a lot of things I should’ve done with Nicole and the situations between her and me. I doubt my parents will ever hear of her because I’ll have to explain what I did, and even though I have a pretty good idea of what I should’ve done(or at least shouldn’t have), they’ll tell me anyway. And I really don’t want to hear it. I have more questions, more choices, and more questions about choices I have about the situation between her and me. But I still have no answers. I know God doesn’t want me taking it easy anymore. I need to make a decision. But I’m so focused on making the decision I should – whatever that is – I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to make one. I don’t want to make a rushed decision. Though many things are black and white, it isn’t always obvious which is the best of the two. Is it OK to be wrong? Right now I can see what I think I should do. Although it’s never stopped me before, what’s the point in liking someone who doesn’t like me. That doesn’t seem like something one should do. But is it worth it to risk being what inevitabely seems to be wrong, just in case I’m right?
Maybe I’m just bitter that I can’t ever say again, ‘all the great girls go to someone else, or think I’m just a great friend.’ I had an opportunity.
The tape won’t hold much longer. I don’t know what I’ll do when it breaks.