December 10, 2004 @ 12:59 pm by sean
If you are going to be here Friday night I want to see you! I’m leaving Saturday morning and I want to see as many people as I can before I go.
Considering I really liked Wendesday, Thursday was having a hard time measuring up. It was a good day though. It got great. Then not as great.
I got up and took my History of Design II test that I studied for on Wednesday. In almost two hours I only wrote three and a half pages. I’m not sure that was enough. I answered all the questions, but I’m not sure I gave him all he was looking for. I still enjoyed the test and actually learned from it. So that was good.
Then I went to lunch. It was fun.
Then I went to Typography to take my final. It went alright. For some reason I chose to do the project he considered the least challenging. I don’t know what I was thinking. It turned out alright. And I had some fun doing it. More fun just working around everyone else in the class.
Then I went to some of the Painting II critique. That was intriguing. That was good to go to. I couldn’t stay long though.
Then I went and got my Digital Tools II stuff and tried to find Dan. I didn’t. But I put my CD together. I like it. I hope they use it.
Then I went to dinner with Kevin and Jess. It was a good meal. I only had dessert ’cause then I went to my Dig. Tools II class were we had pizza. Three classes on three consecutive days had pizza. I love pizza.
We all gave our presentations. It was fun. People did good stuff.
Then I finished typing my History of Civ. paper. Nathan came down and read some www.larknews.com as you should.
I was walking up the stairs to go outside and I stopped at the top to fix my scarf. And then right as I walked out the door I saw Jill Sheerin! It was completely unexpected and completely wonderful! She was with Pete and visiting from North Carolina. It was so amazing to see her for a few minutes and catch up really quickly. I miss her so much. That made my night spectacular. And if I hadn’t stopped to fix my scarf, I would have walked out the door before they did and might not have seen her. Thank God. It was great.
Then I went to Ryan’s room for a few minutes. That’s where the night changed. It put something on my mind differently than it was before.
Anyway, then I went to fifth floor and socialized. Said good-bye to Rachel Lassuy for probably the last time ever. Probably not, she said she’ll visit next semester, but it was still sad. I said good-bye to other people then went to third floor looking for JD and Rayne. I found Amy and Julia instead. So I went to Wilson looking for JD and Rayne and didn’t find them. Instead I found Ian, so I stayed there for a little while. I went over to Volkman to say hi to Natalie and see when she was eating.
Then back to Ian’s room.
Then back to Ryan’s room.
I really appreciate going to people room’s and being in their presence. I like that a lot.
Some one was explaining relationship issues to Ryan, I kind of listened, but more thought of myself and my, situation. Not selfishly, but because I wasn’t part of the conversation. Some other people came in. We talked about love. More and more people are getting together, getting engaged, getting married than any other time in my life. I went to 4 or 5 friends wedding my senior year, then nothing until Ben and Lisa last year. But now’s the time when everyone is getting serious. So I thought about that.
I did that while watching The Matrix with subtitles on mute while old crappy metal was playing. That was really interesting.
Then I told God all my questions about my situation and then didn’t listen because I don’t know how. I really want to know how to listen to God, because it seems quite evident I’m not. Maybe I’ll write out what I said because I said a lot and I think I need to see it all to contemplate it all at once without forgetting what I just said.
I just watched her leave. I just don’t get it.
It’s been just over 3 months. The end of the 8th and the beginning of the 9th of September was when she told me she liked me, and when I told her I liked her. And then my life changed drastically. Now almost exactly 3 months later, I can’t tell her thanks. I can’t tell her I’m sorry. I can’t even tell her hello. I don’t get it. I’ve never felt that way about someone. I’ve never felt this way about someone. I don’t know what this ‘feeling’ is, I just know I’ve never felt it before. Is this what I’m supposed to feel? How did it go from thinking I might like to marry her some day to not being able to even talk to her? Well, I guess I know how, but why? This wonderful girl comes into my life out of no where, then tells me she likes me. Exactly what I asked for. And then I get scared. Then my fears come true. And I ruin it all. But that whole time I was scared I finally felt for someone like I always wanted to. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I know what I want, but, does that really matter? Why do I keep taping together the bracet she gave me that broke, does it really matter? Why do I still get that feeling when I get somewhere near her? or just see her really. This needs to change, but I don’t know what to do. In everything else I at least have a small clue about what God wants me to do, with this, I’m completely lost. So then I think maybe God is going to give me a second chance, but with someone else. But when I look at other girls, I don’t get that same feeling. Jillian Vrazo once wrote, ‘I don’t do what I do based on feelings, for feelings are full of worries, tossing seas…’ And that’s what I’ve done my whole life. Now that I’ve involved feelings I’ve never been so worried and in at least this one part of my life, it is full of tossng sees. But maybe that’s OK to have these worries and tossing seas. How much reason do I need to involve in these feelings? How much feeling do I need to involve in these reasons? Would these worries and tossing seas go away if I stopped liking her? There has never been a person I can’t talk to. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I want to talk to her. A lot. A whole lot. I want to know what she’s thinking. I want this to change.
Oh God, tell me it isn’t over.