November 8, 2004 @ 10:28 pm by sean
‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’ I didn’t really like that book all that much. The French revolution is really interesting, but I had a bad teacher who really disinterested me in reading good literature so I didn’t really try in that class. I probably didn’t finish the book.
My life has never been better. If one was to ask me how I am, I could honestly say I’m wonderful. But at the same time, my life has never been worse. And if one were to ask me how I was, I would doubtfully say worse. I’ve never wanted so much to be alone, but I know that isn’t the best thing and God’s blessings abound from the people around me. I’ve never been so close to love, but it’s never felt so unattainable. I’ve never felt so undeserving of love, but I’ve never wanted to love and be loved so much. I never wanted to leave life behind so much, but I’ve never been so sure that where I am is crucially important to where God is leading me. I’ve never wanted to be removed from this world so much, but I’ve never lived liked this either. I’ve become what I hate, but also am becoming what I couldn’t become on my own. I’ve never thought so little of myself, but I’ve never felt so much potential for God to use me. I’ve never felt so lost and alone, but I’ve never felt so close to God and knowing where He wants me. I want to give up and do nothing, but God has so much for me to do. I’ve never been in a situation and not known at all what to do like this one. In fact, I made sure to completely avoid them. Especially one like the situation that this all revolves around. Playing it safe would ensure I would never have this feeling, whether from my actions or someone elses. I don’t know what God wants. I don’t know what she wants. This is of course all my fault. My last girlfriend told me yesterday how much of a negative impact I had on her life. Maybe subconsciously I treated her and the other girlfriend I had like shit to make sure they couldn’t treat me like that. My actions had a horrible impact on someones life. More than one actually. This one is different, but I still did far more harm than good and I feel so bad I can hardly stand myself. If it was her that made me feel this way I’d be fine with it because I wouldn’t feel this way. But she did nothing. I’ve never hurt like this before. This is tearing me apart. This isn’t the life I meant to live. Maybe that’s the point.
I didn’t ask for this. I had it all worked out in my head and if it didn’t happen that way I was still content. Then she came out of no where and messed everything up. This is why I never got close to anybody. I couldn’t hurt or get hurt. But if she hadn’t messed up my plans, I probably would never have known God’s plans. Who knows how much more damage I would have caused before God would have set me straight. I might never have had the faith and love for God I do now. But look what I’ve done. There’s no reason I couldn’t have changed and this still work out, but look what I’ve done.
Honestly, I just want her. Well, I’ll rephrase that. I want what God wants. And I want so increadibly badly God to want this. I want her to want me. I don’t deserve a second chance. Not from her, not from God. God is gracious enough to offer me a new life, but Hell is what I deserve and I don’t know how to in good conscious take anything but. I just want it all to end and things be the way they could’ve been. I want to make things right. I want to do the opposite of what I did before. I want to love her how I know now I should’ve. I just want her to give me another opportunity. Oh so badly I want.
This would all be over if I knew how she felt about me. Perhaps I should have figured it out already. I’m so afraid her answer wouldn’t be what I want, that I’d rather go on not knowing.
C.S. Lewis said, ‘Reality is a brutal teacher, but you learn…my God you learn.’ I’ve learned. I’ve learned I’m not who I thought I was and who I turned out to be is a horrible person and now I can change. I’ve learned that now I know this, I want to love the person who helped me learn this.
God’s joy will come in the morning and I’ll have a smile on my face. Then I’ll see her, or read her words and this will all come rushing back.
God’s been right every time so far. I’m just not sure what He is right about this time.
I just want the a.m. hours of September 11th back. I could live in that moment forever.