November 12, 2004 @ 4:00 pm by sean
When I realized that I thought many thoughts in terms of ‘xanga’, I’m not really sure how I felt about myself. It wasn’t a good feeling, that’s about all I figured out. I often think thoughts in terms of how I would post them on here. I did realize that is quite lame, and have no fear, I’m going to stop that trend. But through what has happened these past two months, this thing has really been intrumental in helping me figure out my thoughts and what God is trying to tell me. So to an extent I’m going to continue that because this is my journal and I want this stuff documented and I don’t have the time to write it in my memiors.
Last night I had a conversation with a friend and while trying to encourage her I told her many things I needed to hear again myself. Something I had vaguely thought of in the past few days finally came to more concise words. I finally realized what it means that this life isn’t mine, and how I need to live. I could never have realized that before because I didn’t know how selfish I was. This also came with the knowledge that I’ve more or less squandered the last 20 years of my life. I had so many opportunities and some of them I took, but I don’t think any of them I took to their full potential. And while doing that I messed up some other lives on the way, it didn’t really matter at the time too much because I was still mostly only thinking of myself.
More and more God keeps giving meaning to all that I’ve learned but never applied. Most of it I forgot I learned until He told me again, so I’m sure there is more and I’m so excited to hear it.
I suppose I owe an apology to anyone who has ever come in contact with me. I was able to convince quite a few people that I was a humble, caring, nice person. So much that some people have a hard time believing that it wasn’t true. I suppose it still isn’t, but now I know what I have to do.
I know for certain none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for a certain person. She lit a match that started the fire of the whole forest. She even, whether she knew it or not, fanned the flames and threw some gasoline on it, and she still does. I owe her so much, but instead, at the least, I added myself to the book of people who have treated her badly. She was another opportunity, perhaps the greatest, that God gave me that I wasted. I still have trouble seeing her. I suppose it’s a good trouble because I get this rush of shame and dissapointement in myself. Unfortunately it usually happens at a meal, and then I lose my appetite. It’s a shame what has become of our interactions; it’s a shame I made them this way. I still wish I learned another way, I don’t want what we started to ever end. It’s difficult wanting something I know I don’t deserve. She’s so beautiful.