November 18, 2004 @ 1:50 am by sean
Though I’m not sure what is going on between us, and though everytime I see her I get nervous and shamed, the thought of the semester ending and not seeing her for a month is much more troublesome. I would much rather things be as they are then to not see her at all.
In fact, the thought of this semester coming to an end and not fellowshipping with at least Natalie Ian and Melanie at lunch Monday Wednesday and Friday, or Tuesday and Thursday with usually Jason and Lauren and Brandon, and not living in a room with Mike and with Ryan down the hall, and not going to the same classes with the same people like Jeremy and Jeremy and Josh and Nikki and Javier and Maria and Billen and Dan and Ryan and Rachel and Rachel and Aaron and Professor Miller and Professor Carl and Professor Halverson, and not seeing Kevin throughout the day in the fine arts building and chapel, and Jessi before chapel Wednesdays and Fridays and not being able to friendly to people I know and don’t know on my way walking to class, not interacting at all with people I know, not painting, not studying, not conversing, not engaging, not being surrounded by all these wonderful people I call my friends, is really something I’d rather not happen.
This is a trap that I’ve been in for 20 years and when the semester ends I’m not so foolish as to remain in the past and not look for what God has for me in the days to come, but for the first time, life isn’t grand because I’ve made it so, but because I have finally realized how God has made it so. It’s never been so grand.
The Tuesday before fall break Jeremy and I went to the Chicago Art Institute for a History of Design II assignment. I was gone most of the day and had class when I wasn’t there. At the end of the day when I spoke to her on IM she told me how sad she was because she hadn’t seen me all day. Though I too was sad, I don’t even know what the feeling was or how to describe what I felt hearing her say that. It felt amazing. But that still isn’t accurate.