November 22, 2004 @ 5:47 pm by sean
I’m out. 100% unknowing. I guess this is the best position to be in with God; it gives Him the most room to do what He needs to do. But I can’t get away from this logic and rationality. I can follow God if I know where to follow Him. As I typed that it struck me as the wrong thing to do. But I don’t know what else to do. As I think about it I reduce it to choices. At the least I have two choices: like her; don’t like her. Either way I can follow God. But it isn’t so simple as to make that choice. Each option has a lot of consequences and logically I want to chose the better of the two, but I’m not certain that is the way God intends me to make decisions. Ugh. But maybe it is. He gave me a brain, so I should use it. But how do I depend on Him to guide me make the decision He wants me to? Should I even make a decision? If I like her maybe she still likes me and good things come of that. Even if she doesn’t like me I should keep liking her anyway because if I can’t keep liking her through this, what if we are together someday and something similar happens, what is to say I could continue liking her then? But what if I like her and then I miss out on another opportunity God has for me. Not necessarily just with another girl, but by liking her I might not think about something else God wants me to do. So by not liking her it would make me more able to see what else God has for me to do. But maybe if I stop liking her and she still likes me I miss out on what God actually did have in mind. I said before this would all be solved if I knew how she felt, but that isn’t so true anymore. Even if she didn’t like me that doesn’t necessarily mean I shouldn’t like her. The thought of her liking someone else or not liking me doesn’t trouble me as much the thought of interacting with her only as a friend. For the most part I’ve only interacted with her knowing how we felt about eachother. And then not interacting at all really. I didn’t want to get involved in a relationship without being friends with the person first because I wanted to know that a friendship with still possible if if went sour. I’ve been proved wrong in everything so far I hope I’m proved wrong that we can’t still be friends. I just don’t understand why she won’t talk to me. Even if she told me how she felt, it would at least lower the number of questions. There has always been a clear answer to what to do in my life, the choice was just whether to take it or not. But neither choice this time has a ‘better’ result, and I have no idea what to do.
I’ve been thinking a lot about our last conversation lately; the content, context, subject. Putting all that I’ve been able to reason from thinking about those things perhaps I should have come out of that conversation realizing it was all over. But she hasn’t said it. Perhaps she doesn’t need to say it and I should just know. Why won’t she talk to me though?
I’m putting in a post from a while ago because answers to the questions it asks are even more pertinent now.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Alright, I need some answers. This whole love thing completely escapes me. Trying to understand it is proving to be as easy as understanding the existance of God(go figure). And as Ben told me, until I completely have faith in God, I’ll never realize the fullness of love.
Fine. I’ll deal with that.
I understand loving other people as humans. I understand loving family. I understand loving friends like family. But loving another person as, as well nothing else seems to elude my understanding. In order to ask any question, I need to cover up the sins of our insufficient English language and make up a new word. This word is ‘luve’. The easiest definition for luve is how a husband and wife are supposed to love each other.
There are quite a few questions about luve, so I’m not sure there is any logical order to ask them in. So I’ll just ask. And if any readers of this can provide any answer, I would appreciate it. I won’t be offended by any answer, nor will I think any less of anyone for an answer given.
Can one luve more than one person? It seems to make logical sense one could not luve more than one person at a single time, I think that is kind of the point of luve; but can one fall out of luve with one person, and into luve with another? So could the boyfriend who says to each of his 5 different girlfriends before he’s married, “I lo(u)ve you.” actually have some truth in what he is saying? Or the couple who gets married and says “I lo(u)ve you.” when they get married but get a divorce, did they ever really luve each other in the first place? It would seem the attributes of love in 1 Cor. 13:4-8 would apply to luve also. 4Luve is patient, luve is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Luve does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always PERSERVERS.
8Luve never fails.
This question kinda goes with the last, maybe not. Can someone luve someone who does not luve them back? Denison Witmer seems to say no. If someone says they are ‘in luve’ with me, but I’m not in luve with them, do they really luve me? Or does luve not take two people?
How does one know they are actually in luve with someone? Is it something one ‘knows’ when they feel it? If it’s that vague, how can one be sure?
What am I feeling? Am I feeling? Should I feel this way?
I’ve had a lot of history lately. History of Design II, History of Civ. I, we just did a research paper and painting of an art movement in history, reading the Bible is history itself. In all this history something stands out as obviously wrong. Something perversed making the world not as good as it could be. This situation has been somewhat of a miniature wrong thing in history preventing life from being what it could be. Life is so beautiful, I’m not sure what to make of this blemish I’ve put on it. I refuse to just cover it up or let it fade, I want to remove it. But I can’t do that on my own, I need to talk to her.
The University song I’m listening to right now that is curiously titled ‘maybe love will find a way’ has a line in it that says, ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’
‘love will find a way/ to scare you far away’
What the hell is wrong with me? Why haven’t I figured this out yet? Why can’t I just let it go? Why did I have to be so selfish? Why don’t I just listen to God? Why don’t I just leave her alone? Why don’t I just give up? Why didn’t I do it right the first time? Why do I still get that feeling in my stomach? Why do I do what I do when I see her? Why am I such a jerk? Why did I ruin something so wonderful?
What the hell is wrong with me?