October 12, 2004 @ 12:36 am by sean
I’m not sure I’m satisfied with the person I’m becoming.
Different influences, different circumstances, different people, different thoughts are all contributing to some kind of change. I think the change may be going in the direction of superficiality. It is all a result of my actions and reactions to those things, so it isn’t necessary things will stay this way. I was really glad I knew the people I knew last year and the person I was around them, and all people. I was more of who I wanted to be. And I was becoming the person I had intended to be all along.
Going into this year I had certain expectations. Most of them weren’t conscious or spoken; assumed perhaps. I naturally don’t remember what they were, but I know they weren’t to be where I am now. I’m unhappy that I’m concerned about the things that concern me, I’m unhappy unahppy about the relationships I have with people, I’m unhappy about the way I’m acting. I feel very superficial and that I’m not taking an active role in living a fulfilling my life anymore. I feel like everything is teetering on the edge, and at any moment, it could all collapse.
I’m feeling lost where I hadn’t felt lost before. I’m finding myself uncertain in places I was certain I would avoid. I’m feeling disconnected from meaningfulness. I feel like, overall, I’m a very unpleasant person.
I’ve been expecting two packages in the mail for sometime now, neither of which have come. One package I’m sure was sent, but it is taking longer to come than I expected. There are certain areas in my life I know will come and I will be happy when they get here; I’ve just got to wait. The other package is one I requested my parents to send, but they never said whether or not they did, so I don’t know whether to expect it or not. If they did send it, I’m so excited because I’ll hopefully be able to have a lot of fun with it. There is a certain area of my life I’m not sure whether it’s coming or not, though I’ve requested that it is in God’s will for me. I know I want it to, and I know if it does come it will more wonderful than I could imagine. If it doesn’t, life will go on I’m sure, but I’m having a lot of difficulty getting through the uncertaintity and not knowing how to act and what to do while I wait.
Every meal I go to my CPO and check my box; everytime I leave in dissapointment.
I’m considering talking less. I’ve noticed sometimes I’m talking solely to establish a connection with someone. I’ve never been one of those people, I always tried to wait until I actually had something worthing hearing before I talked. I think this is most prevalent in my interactions with certain international students. In general, as in painting class and such, I feel like I’m talking just to associate myself with them because I think they’re really neat people.
I’ve also spoken to more people about certain circumstances than I normally would. And to those that I’ve spoken to, I’ve said more than I usually would. Maybe I think that by doing that I’m making some kind of connection with them and if I don’t, I won’t be able to make any connection at all. Regardless, my life is going to be more private like it was before and I’m going to avoid talking about things I really don’t think the rest of the world needs to know.
I’m talking a lot more this year. I’m a lot more vocal. Maybe I’m feeling comfortable to do that now. Either way, I still talk to much, or at least when it is unecessary.
I think this all is perhaps why I don’t have a strong interest in having a break. It doesn’t seem like it’s time for one yet. This half has gone by fast. I don’t feel comfortable enough in my relationships with people around here to leave them all, and have them leave me, for 4 days or so. I know that isn’t long, but it seems like I’m still just getting to know everyone.
I don’t feel like driving 6 hours either.
I’m going to stop at Kristyn’s on the way home on Friday. I’m really eager for that. I’ve not seen her new place yet and it’ll be fun to see her and stay the night there.
Perhaps this is all a consequence of knowledge. I’m learning so much in my History Design II class of how much life could be, mostly as a result of learning how much life isn’t. The author of Ecclesiastes said something to the effect of the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of the foolish is in the house of pleasure. Perhaps I’m realizing that to be true. Though I don’t hold that to be absolute or always advisable.
Logically, feelings are obviously the problem. To rid myself of all this, I simply have to remove feeling. Unfortunately, the consequences of that are far more disastrous.
I’ve been reading from the beginning through all my posts, and I’m glad to see the person I became, and was becoming. Certain posts lead me to believe I’m an interesting person sometimes, and I’m somewhat impressed I had the thoughts and observations that I did. I’m not sure I want to catch up to now, I don’t think it’ll be pleasant.
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I’m saying open up
And let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone
Love! love!? what more is there?
We need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that’s ok
Just look for love in it
Don’t burn the day away” – the great DMB