October 16, 2004 @ 2:37 am by sean
What a strange first quarter. Completely unexpected.
It is such a blessing to have such a long solitary drive home. I had plenty of time to think about this last quarter. Though I until I got into Michigan, pretty much the only thoughts in my head were how much I hate drivers from Illinois and Indiana. There was one point when I looked around and all the liscence plates I could see said ‘Indiana’ on them. I was quite frightened. About a half hour into Michigan when Michigan plates became a common sight did I feel comfortable.
There was so much to think about on the way home. I didn’t realize how much I needed a break. I’m staying the night at Kristyn’s right now, and the familiarity is so refreshing. My life has NEVER been this complicated. I’ve tried so hard to be simple and to figure out life, and for the most part, I succeeded quite well. This semester God apparently decided(correctly) that I needed some change and that my dependance on Him was not nearly enough. When I realized this, I tried to think of ways to re-simplify my life; I pretty much came up dry. Well, kind of. Everything that is different this year is because of a certain situation. Different this year, not bad this year; this difference could turn out to be very good in many different ways depending on how I act, and it also is the means by which God is showing me the ways I need to change. There are definately some other infuences than just this one situation, but this situation definately appears to be at the heart of it. In figuring out my life, there was something that I left competely out because the way everything seemed to be heading, it wasn’t going to happen. And I was okay with that. I took me a while to be okay with it, but it came down to me knowing I had Jesus and that’s all that I need. Then the farthest thing from expected happened. Even what I had expected if it did happen is not what is happening. The entire situation and person continues to prove to be nearly the opposite in all ways except one than I had expected. It’s all completely necessary, and I’m quite pleased God did it that way. The problem I have is accepting what is different than I had planned. And then I have to accept that even if I do accept what is different, that still doesn’t necessarily mean it will end up the way I want it to. There are so many parallels between this situation, my relationship with God, and my life in general. Having a life figured out doesn’t leave room for God, and if God doesn’t have room, He is going to make room. Through this situation God has revealed things about me that are crucial both to my relationship with this person, and to my relationship with God. He has shown me my lack of love for anything, especially Him, and my lack of trust in anything, especially Him. To both this person and God, I’m going to have to love to no end, and trust to no end. God is the easy one. He used the situation between this person and me to show me how much I don’t love or trust Him, and I know that by loving and trusting Him I can’t go wrong. But loving and trusting a person scares me a lot, because it can go wrong, and I’m awfully scared of being wrong. Perhaps that is why I haven’t used the person’s name or specified what the situation is; I don’t want built up an expectation through this and then be wrong someday. And by being vague I can keep my life private. Not that most of the people who read this wouldn’t be able to figure it out anyway. I don’t want to be wrong just because I don’t want to be wrong; I really want this to work out, I really want it to happen. Having read Ryan’s post, I wonder if maybe I desire so much privacy because I don’t trust people. Maybe becoming more public would lead to have to trust more and more people. Hm. I’m scared to trust a person and then have them prove themself untrustable. I’m scared to love someone and then they not return the love. I’ve prevented that from happening by loving hardly anybody, besides those I’m quite sure will return it. This is of course love and luve we’re talking about too. I’ve avoided luve even more. I’m also really scared to trust in God and then have what I trusted in not happen. Kind of like that girl in ‘Saved'(I just watched it with my sister. I’m not sure how I feel about it.). I blame it on my upbringing that I don’t have much of a relationship with God, because to this day I don’t really know how to. I don’t know how to hear God say ‘Trust me.’ I have the talking to God down quite well, but the listening not as much. The only listening I know how to do is relate what I see going on in my life to how I am as a one with faith that He is my God. That is pretty much all of this post. But I’ve heard there is more than that. I want more than that.
Perhaps what it comes down to is that comfort can’t be based on figuring out how one wants to live, or what to expect in the world, or being certain of any situation; comfort comes from being certain in God alone. One can be uncertain about everything else, but if they are certain about God, that will bring all the comfort they need. I might be uncertain about how this circumstance will turn out, but when I focus on the certaintity that God is making me a better person, giving me more understanding of Him, showing me what a life with Him can be, then I will have comfort. I know what and who I want in this world and fortunately God has prevented me from having certain things. Perhaps none of this would have taken place because if He’d given me what I wanted, the situation between this person and me wouldn’t be happening right now.
It rained quite a bit the last two or three hours I drove. Driving in the rain is very much like my first quarter at school. The caps on my wipers flew off a while ago, so the more I use my wipers, the more they come lose and if I let them go far enough, the whole things will fly right off. I have to be very selective in my wiper usage. This made certain parts of driving a little frustrating. I was very uncertain as to how far to let the blades go before I stopped to fix them. I was getting really frutrated when the sun went down and the headlights of opposing traffic illuminated the rain making it difficult to see. The whole trip was very unsettling and uneasy. I was quite eager for it to be over. I’m here now at Kristyn’s. I love my sister. She loves me. I know that. I know she will always be there for me. I know she will always love me. She has always been present in my life since the day I was born. She is something constant. I didn’t realize until my way home how much I desired something constant in my life(besides God, though not trusting his constancy was something else He’s showed me). There wasn’t much at school that was something I could count on. I was continually up and down about people and situations. The friends that I’ve had at home for a long time became much more distant and now are hardly involved in my life at all. Seeing them tomorrow will be very refreshing. But they still aren’t as constant as my sister. I’ll admit I love her the most of my family. I might depend on my parents in other ways and love them in other ways, but my sister is much more comfort for me, and much less annoying. She is nearly always constant, and I can count on that. Her and I aren’t increadibly close, but I know without a doubt that I can trust her. This quarter I’ve been very separated from things I can count on. Inconsitancies and uncertainties have been the theme, and they are two things that I try to avoid more than almost anything else in this world. The things I want to be certain about I’m not, and things I used to be certain about I no longer am. I’ve avoided uncertaintity so much that now that it has shown it’s face, I don’t know how to act. And I’m afriad of acting so wrong I’ll ruin everything.