October 21, 2004 @ 5:02 pm by sean
Sometimes I want to walk away from everything and go live the solitary, mediocre life that seems to be my destiny. No sense in avoiding the inevitable. I think the only reasons I don’t want to do that right now are because of the fun I have at lunch, the beautiful weather and because of the attention my pants are bringing me. I wonder how much different this day would be if I was wearing different pants and the weather wasn’t so glorious. I didn’t intend this attention, I hoped no one would notice, besides the painting II class. Everytime I think that life is getting better and that things are improving and life is more than what it is now, it all gets smashed into the ground. Maybe this is the way a christian should live to keep the frailty of life in perspective and to maintain a desire to be with God.
I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to know what God’s will is. I think the little hope I have is all that is keeping me from being completely lost.
I expected to come back a different person. I had a grand weekend with my family and grandparents. I saw Sean a lot. I had fun with Jeff at his party for Jason’s birthday and Jeff even bought me a airsoft pistol. Andy, Sean and I jammed and I couldn’t hear for a while and that was an amazing feeling. I unexpectedly saw Carley. I saw Alyson for a wee bit. I decided Friday that things needed to change. I had confidence. Then I came back and it all got smashed down. Perhaps because I allowed it to, but I don’t know what else to think. The break was good while I was on it, but now I’m back and nothing is different, including myself.
I’m sure I’m blowing it all out of proportion again. Well, not sure, hoping. Maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be. I had hoped it would be so much more.
Maybe I only feel this way so I can feel something at all and I really don’t want things to be any different.
Perhaps there are more important things in life to concern myself with. But that feeling keeps coming back.
Maybe none of this really matters. Hm. Maybe apathy really is the solution. Hm.