October 23, 2004 @ 5:53 pm by sean
In the beginning, I didn’t want to date her right away because I wanted to be sure she would be the one I would marry, but also because I didn’t know how to love. I was afraid she would stop liking me because I wasn’t good enough for her, and infact, at that point, I wasn’t. Through this last month and some, God has been revealing to me how I need to change in order for me to become worth her love. Though changes have been made, they haven’t come as the result of pleasant experiences. Nearly all of them have come because of something I did wrong, something I worried about too much that I shouldn’t have, or something I doubted because of who she is and because of who I am and probably other ways I don’t remember. This last week God showed me something I needed to see most of all, and it happened quite painfully. He showed me how selfish I am. Not just in this situation, but in all of my life. I speculated about it before, but now it is quite obvious. I acted selfishly last Friday and though I knew better, I didn’t act that way. I did something that was completely disrespectful to her and to God. I let her down and in doing so, let God down. The reason I did it was valid to me, and the reason it was valid to me was because of the hurt I was experiencing. But that hurt was just a result of my selfishness. I brought it on myself. All of this happened because I was selfish. But had it not happened, I probably wouldn’t have seen how selfish I am.
Nearly everything I’ve been afraid of happening has happened, except for her stopping liking me. But after what I did, it is difficult not to expect that to happen as well, though I desperately hope it won’t.
I’ve previously acknowledged the other changes God has made, but this was the change that needed to happen the most, so far at least; perhaps, and quite likely, there is more. I can only hope she is patient enough to wait for me to be molded by God into the person I need to be to luve a female. I’m of course quite scared she isn’t because I want so badly her to be the one with whom I share the changes God is making in me because she is quite wonderful. But I know I have to live for God alone and accept that these changes are more importantly being made for me to love Him more fully and that whether I luve her, or any female, isn’t something I need to concern myself with as long as I’m living for Him.
To God be the Glory.