October 25, 2004 @ 2:02 pm by sean
I have this dream that I could go into and out of peoples reality as I wanted. I could just disappear. I wouldn’t be remembered, but I wouldn’t be forgotten either. I could go where I wanted, see what I wanted, and no one would realize I was there. I would still be there physically, but no one would notice me. They would still bump into me on a crowded street, but take no thought of what happened. I could slam a door or break a vase or take a pop out of their fridge, and they would accept that it happened but not concern themselves with how or why. It wouldn’t be like I was dead though, people just wouldn’t remember I existed; they wouldn’t think of or miss me. But they wouldn’t forget either; it would be like I went away for a while. It would be like I never existed and always existed at the same time.
Right now I’d like to disappear like that. I want to be alone, almost alone, except for one certain person. I just want to go away for and not have anyone think about me. But I’m afraid that if I did I’d never want to come back.
Maybe I’m just too weak to accept the consequences for my actions. Maybe I know that if I disappear I can’t hurt anyone else.
Maybe I’ve done all the good I can do in life and the longer I stay the more I’ll mess things up.
I appreciate the concern, but please don’t try to make me feel better. I’m not in a ‘can be made feel better’ kind of mood. It isn’t my life that I made suck. Punching me in the face would be more appropriate.