October 27, 2004 @ 1:44 am by sean
As long as I’ve known the difference between boys and girls and understood that men and women love and marry each other, I expected it for myself. The list of girls I’ve had crushes on starts around age 4 and there has almost always been one up until this moment. Getting married and loving someone like that has always been a desire of mine and I thought I could be that kind of person who would love a female as she is supposed to be loved. Maybe the model of Adam and Eve in Genesis completing each other and the strong male/female relationship emphasis in our culture lead me to believe I needed a female to be complete. Perhaps the greatest lesson for me to learn in this situation between Nicole and me, is that I’m not that person and that maybe love like that isn’t for me. I’m not going to be the best thing God could give to someone.
For the last two years or so, there was a girl who I thought was perfect. Though I wanted her to be the one, it never appeared she shared that and the more I thought about it, it was only a knowledge she would be good for me, but I had no feeling. As it looked she would never think the same way I did, I realized that this idea of marriage was something among many other things that I had to, and was giving to the Lord. I had many preconceptions about how I wanted life to be and I had to give up all of those and trust that God would be faithful and I would be satisfied with the life He gave me. I gave up the notion of marriage being required for life and made my best effort to be satisfied with what He had already given me. This worked out phenominally well and provided great relief and understanding knowing that regardless of how any female felt towards me, God loved me and I was His beautiful creation. I stopped planning, wishing, hoping for something I was unsure of and I became content with the idea that I’d be single for the rest of my life. Then in what seemed to be typical God fashion, not long after I gave it up to Him, He put someone in my life. Although she wasn’t how I expected ‘her’ to be, she was even better than I thought ‘she’ would be and she was what I thought would be if I met ‘her’. It was all completely unexpected and from that moment on, my life changed more dramatically than is outwardly evident. I learned so many lessons being in this circumstance and they were all lessons I needed to learn in order to love God more fully. Because there was another person in this circumstance and because the nature of the lessons were ultimately love, it seemed right to me that she be the one with whom I shared the culmination of these changes. She was explemlifying my relationship with God and what it needed to be. The problem was that the situations necessary for me to learn these lessons were unpleasant and hurting her. The last lesson, and the most painful to learn was how selfish I am. Painful because of what the consequences are and painful because of the result of what I did to her. I’m so sorry for the disrespect I showed her, and I am even more sorry she is the one who had to endure the circumstances that taught me these lessons. I would wish that on no one, and I regret my existance brought what it did to another person. She is quite a wonderful person and I expect her reward in Heaven will be great for this; I surely have no reward to offer her. I can’t be the love far more wonderful than any she would dream of. Not to her, not to anybody.
It was the first time I asked God for a sign about something because I’ve known that even if He had shown me a sign that I would explain it some other way and reason it out. Perhaps the shooting star was just to show me He was there.
I don’t know how she feels about me. From what I’ve seen, she is, understandably, happier without me. If she decides that she’d rather I wasn’t in her life anymore, I would respect that and understand completely. I wanted to be the one to make her happy, but I was selfish instead. I still want to be the one to make her happy, and if she says she is still interested I would be more than happy to put in the effort to be the person I need to be; but I can’t help to think that my effort would all be in vain, that that is a person I can’t be and I don’t expect the grace from her for the time it would take. I don’t think it would be worth her while. Maybe I’m just taking the easy way out, but if the easy way out means not hurting her anymore, perhaps the easier way is better this time. Maybe this hope I carry is going to interfere with my duty to love all people and serve God the way He wants me to.
I’m so torn. I want to love her, and I want her to love me; but if I can’t, I can’t and I’m afraid to do again what I’ve already done. But I want to soo much. I just wish I knew what she wanted. But at the same time, I don’t want to know because I’m afraid she doesn’t want me anymore. She hasn’t returned my e-mail, and from what I can gather, she seems happy without me, so I don’t want to interrupt that. Her parents will be in town and she’ll be busy and I don’t want to ruin her day. So I’ll stay quiet longer. That’s what being unselfish is about.
She was such a blessing to me that I didn’t realize until it was perhaps too late. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to her, and I think that I’d rather have not learned these lessons and she never had the misfortune of me being in her life as I was. I feel badly that I learned so much from this and because of it am becoming more able to love my God, and I haven’t given her anything.
I hope I haven’t hardened her heart so much she’ll miss the blessing God will show her someday. I can only hope she’ll forgive me and not carry this with her; I’m not worth the pain that would bring to her. She is a great girl, and if it was someone else who did to her what I did, I would be very unhappy with that person, and I am quite displeased and dissapointed with myself.
I’m so thankful for what I’ve learned and God has been faithful is keeping me satisfied with what He’s given me. But at the same time I regret having learned all this because of what it did to another one of His creations.
I didn’t write this so she would like me still or that anyone would think of me any better. I regret that I brought the situation to me having the thoughts reflected in this post. I’m not mad at her for any reason, just mad at myself.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will consel you with Me eye upon you.” Ps.32:8
Oh God please do.