October 28, 2004 @ 12:14 am by sean
On Monday I finished painting the face part of my self-portrait. Even though it’s similarities were no where near striking to me, I was pleasantly suprised it looked as good as it did and decided I was done with that part. Professor Carl disagreed and pointed out some small things in class today that needed to change. It’s easy to make small changes so I started on those with the intent of finishing most of the background of the paiting after as I had intended to do in class anyway. Well making small changes didn’t work out so well. Every time I tried to change something I would mess up something else and I kept having to touch up other parts. One big area then needed to be changed and I started on it and but couldn’t get it. Quite frustrated with that and everything else, I gave up and took a break. I wish I had just left it alone. I wanted to go back to when it was satisfactory. I wish I could go back and leave it how it was. But I can’t go back! I can’t go back and not do what I did almost two Friday’s ago! I can’t go back and not be selfish! I can’t go back and not worry! I can’t go back and trust her! I just want to go back to the beginning where I didn’t make all these mistakes. Then Professor Carl showed me a different perspective. He showed not only had I not ruined it, but I had the potential to make the face as good as he wanted it. He showed me a technique I hadn’t used before. I just had to work the paint right. He said ‘All is not lost. It’s only paint.’ And it is only paint. Our lives are God’s masterpiece and sometimes the paint He uses doesn’t act how He intended it to, so He has to go back and re-work it. He has to do what looks like He is messing up, but then He does something a little different and everything becomes even more beautiful then it was before. I wish this analogy could end with Nicole and me changing as my painting did. That even though I caused something that could have been wonderful to go horribly wrong, maybe it could turn out even more beautiful than it originally was. I don’t deserve a second chance. Maybe a second chance isn’t even worth considering. Perhaps that is the way it should be and the changes God made were for another purpose. I kow that everytime I see her beautiful face, hear her laugh, remember her scent, don’t breifly talk to her online around twelve, think of how happy she made me when I wasn’t being selfish, I realize how much I want to be a love far greater than she would dream of, her blessing from God; then I think about how much I despie myself, how good things could have been if I didn’t mess them up, how sad I am that I can’t be the one who brings her joy and love like no one besides God, how scared I am that even if she gave me another chance that I would only fail again.
Maybe I really can’t love anyone the way a husband and wife do. Maybe I’m no good at loving like that and I should accept that and move on before I cause anymore damage. Maybe I’m not good for her. Maybe she isn’t good for me. Maybe she’s already stopped liking me. Maybe she likes someone else. Maybe I’m taking the same easy way out I always have. Maybe I need to actually try this time. Maybe if I try someday I could actually be the best thing for her. Maybe I won’t ever believe that. Maybe the reason I get that awful pain whenever I get nervous about her and me, and now everytime I see her, is because it is more than knowledge this time, it is a feeling too. Maybe there is a reason that I woke up without that pain this morning for the first time in quite a while. Maybe all God intends me to be to her or anyone is a friend. Maybe Satan is putting these negative thoughts in my head and keeping us apart. Maybe just as every other time, something will go wrong again because I have some hope. Maybe I should stop hoping. Maybe all is lost. Maybe all is not lost. Maybe for the first time I need to do something even though I’m full of maybe’s.