October 30, 2004 @ 2:23 am by sean
Yesterday was quite a fine day. Chapel reminded me of how much I like this school. It was neat to be a part of something important in the school’s history like that. Then being with friends and doing what I love after chapel reminded me again of why I like going here. Ian and I made our way back to the chapel to scan out, and from there Ellison and I discussed the state of the union to, during, and from lunch. It was so fun. I really enjoyed it. My class was cancelled but if we went and turned in our paper we got a +, and I did so I got a +. Then I left for work and walked/boarded with Ian as far as Wilson. Then at work I put together folders for prospective art, design and architechture students and felt good for taking part in encouraging people to come to this school I like. Then I took the metra into Chicago and met my mom and another teacher down there. We ate dinner and then saw the Blue Man group. It was pretty good. I was highly entertained, and I really enjoy theatre. I didn’t feel like taking the L so I walked quite a bit. I really like that. I like walking in Chicago knowing where I’m going, but not belonging like other people there. And knowing I don’t have to live there. My mom and the other teacher definately aren’t city folk and it was interesting to watch how much differently they acted then I’m used to seeing people act. We talked a little about education, and then it was time for me to leave. I got offered to purchase drugs for the first time. That was neat. I got back to the station a little early, and I think I like reading in Union Station while waiting for a train better than anywhere on campus. Maybe it doesn’t feel as much like homework there and I’m out in the real world. I really like riding the train too. Except when I get a squeeky one, or one with someone making techno on their laptop. I hate techno. The whole day was filled with a few of my favorite things.
I would do almost anything for an opportunity to talk with her again just like we did that first night…..
to again be able to tell her I like her…to be able to look into her beautiful eyes again…to be able to hold her hand again…to be able to listen to her voice again…to be able to hear and make her laugh again…to be able to see her smile again…to be able to learn about her again…to again be able hear her say she likes me…to be able to think of maybe being together someday…to be able to be close to her again……
I wish that I haven’t woken up after going to bed that night. That this has all been a dream that God wants me to live outside of reality so when I wake up, I can love her like I’m supposed to and that I can be the person I thought I was. Perhaps my wishing is futile.
In reading from the beginning of my posts I caught up to the days around that night. I’m not sure I want to read any further.
What I can notice, besides the obvious, without going back and reading is that my hopes are turning into wishes.
As a child, I would catch a fuzzy floating in the air and make a silent wish that I would be made small enough to see the weird, 3 inch tall, tree-like plants in the Newton’s back yard as a full-size forest. I would blow out my candles and wish for a Lamborghini as a present. I wished for the outragous, the absurd. I had hopes of what I would become. Even now, I hope that though I’m not impacting the world in any large way this moment, that I’m learning to do that with the classes and knowledge God is providing for me so when I graduate I can achieve what God has put on my heart. I hope for what is attainable; whether likely or unlikely, still possible. I got small bits of hope when she left me a message on Wednesday morning, and a little more when she might have smiled at me Thursday; but I hardly have hope for things to get better, I hardly have hope to talk to her, I hardly have hope to bring her joy, I mostly wish. Is the nature of wishing going to prevent it from happening and I should keep hoping?
I don’t want to make her sad ever again. If she is better off without me, so be it. I want what she wants, well, eventually I suppose I would. I want what God wants.