July 20, 2004 @ 3:40 pm by sean
“Where the trees are made of frowns. And stars fell from the sky. The birds lie dead and lifeless”
It seems as though the last string in a long thick cord has been severed. And unless there are a some small fibers holding it together that I can’t see, it looks like it’s time to throw the rope away.
There is a nickname I gave myself. I mentioned it once before. Old gangters are cool. Like in Goodfellas. He talks about how cool they are. I like watching old movies ’cause the gangsters are so cool. ‘Johnny’ is usually the name of the hero bad guy. The glorified bank robber, murderer, and everything else cool. So I gave myself the name Johnny. Not to many people really called me it. Not more than two or three, and only on occassion. But the more I think about this ‘Johnny’ fella and everything he is and is supposed to be(in the movies) I realize he is more of an alter ego, or at least who I want to be.
Johnny is respected, he is cool, he gets all the ladies, he doesn’t worry about anything, his friends listen to him and would never do him wrong or two time him or disrespect him and they like him and like havin’ him around and trust him and do what he says ’cause they know it’s good for them and they don’t doubt his intelligence and they know he is a good guy. He is smooth, people don’t mess with him, he is thought of as right until proven wrong, he is looked up to, he isn’t afraid of no body. And no body, friend or foe would ever turn their back on Johnny.
According to that, Johnny is the complete opposite of me, because no one thinks of me like that, or at least don’t for long.
I’m tired of friends that continually put their interests infront of the interests of their friends and others. And it’s especially noticable when they do it to me, but still obvious when they do it to other people, because they do it so often. After 4 or 5 years I’d think I would have known better by now.
Why do I expect anyone to put anyones interests before their own? Do I? I probably don’t even do that. Why should they? It doesn’t say anywhere to do that.
I’m still not sure why C.S. Lewis said it was a sin to want to be needed, but I can see why it is so bad. If one looks to be needed in others, when the people one wants to be needed and cared by don’t need or care for that person at all, one will feel quite spiteful and sad.