June 8, 2004 @ 12:35 am by sean
*some more content added(at the bottom) since more content was added since original post. Maybe I’ll just keep adding on to this and never make a new post.*
I think a lot of us in this country have been told an un-said lie and even though I know the truth, it’s difficult to live it. There is an accepted natural progression of life here America: Go to elementary school, junior high, high school/ get liscence, graduate, go to college/get job, graduate, get job/get married, have kids, retire, die. And it seems one must follow that accepted natural progression or one couldn’t be happy. But one of the biggest and most influential parts of that progression is getting married. Marriage is forever(supposed to be). One can get a new job, go to a different school, retire early, die later. Everything else can be changed to suit ones needs and wants. But a large part of the lie is that one cannot be single for life and happy. I’ve been thinking about this lately because to me, it seems inevitable that I will be single for life. If it does happen, why shouldn’t I be happy and single? Why can’t I be happy and single right now? Perhaps the only reason I’m not happy while single right now is because I think I will be single for the rest of my life.
I’m not an animal. By scientific defintion I suppose I am technically a mammal, but I’m not an animal as other animals are. They have a different natural progression. Animals are born, mate, die. Animals aren’t concerned with the same things we are concerned about. Mating being such an important part of an animal’s life, they have certain ways of getting a mate. Mainly by showing off. Making certain sounds, being stronger than another, looking better, etc. But I’m not an animal, and if I’m going to find a mate, it isn’t going to be like an animal. I’m not going to try to swoon a girl by showing off my best qualities to look like the best qualified mate for a her. There have only been two females I’ve ‘liked’ who shared the same feelings, but there have been many more than those two that I’ve ‘liked’. And I know that I ‘liked’ all those girls only for who they were because they didn’t feel the same way; so they weren’t showing off. They were wonderful enough as people that they didn’t have to try to win my effection or attention. So why should I show off to get a mate. If I’m not interesting enough as I am, I must not be very interesting. If I have to act different to impress her, I must not be very impressive. And if I have to act more interesting and act more impressive to get a mate, than maybe I don’t really want a mate.
By ‘show off’ I pretty much mean date and flirt. Those two activities seem to me to be nothing more than trying to impress the other person so much that they’ll eventually want to spend the rest of their life with him/her. I’m not going to live my life trying to impress girls; or anyone for that matter. I’m going to be myself and if at some point a girl is interested in me, then great. I know she would be interested in who I really am and who I’ll always be, and I’ve kept my dignity. And if no girl is ever interested, at least I’ve kept my dignity. There is a quote on my wall I’m assuming I came up with because I wrote no name to attribuite it to that says, ‘You don’t have to try to impress people if they know who you really are.’ The goal of my life isn’t to find a mate to reproduce with. The goal of my life is to be myself and do what I want while loving everyone the same way God loves everyone. If that means I’ll be single forever, great; I’m sure that will provide a lot of opportunities to spread the Gospel that might not have been possible if there was someone so close to me in my life. Somewhere in the New Testament Paul says he wishes that everyone would be single to spread the Gospel better. But if I end up married, great; I’m sure that will provide a lot of opportunites to spread the Gospel that might not have been possible if there wasn’t some so close to me in my life.
I haven’t found any Scripture that says there is a woman for every man to marry/ a man for every woman to marry. I’m quite sure that there aren’t the same number of men and women on this planet anyway. And since I haven’t quite figured out what God’s will is(not for me, but just what “God’s will” actually means.), I don’t know if He has in mind a woman for me to marry. So in the mean time, why not be happy. But that is the truth that is hard to live. I’ve never had a best friend. I’ve had close friends, but not one friend who has been ‘better’ than the rest, or been what I’ve seen best friends be to other people. There is also a bit that most people don’t know about me, partially because no one cares, and partially because there is a lot I don’t say. So to me it seems that the only person who would ever end up knowing all there is to know about me, would be the one I marry because she would be the closest to me. But that is just considering the circumstances. Maybe a best friend could do that same thing. But I don’t see a best friend in the future as I don’t see a mate in the future. Either way, I long for someone to depend on, I long for someone to luve me, I long for someone to care for me the way no one else does, I long for someone to write a beautiful and eloquent post about me like Elise did about Ryan. So it is difficult to live single minded and be happy. A large portion of media is devoted to ‘love’ and relationships. A large portion of activities of my peers from junior high until 30’s is people devoted to ‘love’ and relationships; but many are following a false animal instict that they can’t be happy and single. It’s like being the only Christian around I suppose. I don’t have to accept reality because reality is wrong. Reality is what we’ve accepted. And we’ve accepted that we need to not be single to be happy.
I’m not going to live my life to impress other people. And the only woman I will give the extra effort for is the one whom I will love. She is the only one worth the extra effort. That isn’t to say I will treat other girls like crap. It’s to say that she will be treated superwonderfully because I do my best to treat the people I’m surrounded by wonderfully. The woman I love will be special to me, so if I’ve treated other women in the past the same way I’ll treat her, what makes her any more special? Because I’m not living to mate, females to me may as well be men. They are just another person. The only actual female will be the one I love. For all I’m concerned, everyone else may as well be asexual. I don’t look to mate with my guy friends, so why should I look to mate with my females friends? Maybe one of my female friends will be the one I love, but until then, she’s pretty much a guy to me(that isn’t meant as an insult in any way.) My friends are my friends male or female. Each has been created in the image of God and has the same potential to be an amazing human being. Perhaps thinking like this would prevent people from infidelity. The only woman who I will look at as a sexual creature would be my wife. The only woman who I will look at as one to show romantic affection to would be my wife. The only woman who I will look at as one to do whatever husbands and wifes do would be my wife. I don’t look at my female friends as someone to do that with. If I ‘lose out’ on a girl that has been impressed by a guy making the effort to impress her, that’s fine, because my goal isn’t to die married anyway. It would be absolutely wonderful to be luved so much by someone they would marry me and to luve someone so much as to marry them, but it’s not my goal. And that guy might end up being someone different than she thought he was, because once he knows he doesn’t have to impress her anymore, he might not act so ‘impressive.’ That is the short coming of doing it the ‘impressing’ way. If a girl loves me for who I am without having to impress her, I’ll know she’s someone special and I’ll want to treat her like no one else. And she the same for me.
If one tries to be impressive and no one is impressed, that person may feel not good enough. One has to be above average compared to the world to be found impressive, so if one compares themself to the rest of the world and come up short, they won’t feel like they have any worth. They of course will be forgetting that they are a beautiful creation of God and it doesn’t matter if the world is impressed. We only have to impress God, and I’m pretty sure He is quite impressed when we love Him with all our hearts.
-this one I really experienced-
An interesting situation arose this evening that in a way deals with impressing. It is kind of similar to what I said before in some parts I can’t find. Anyway. I lost a nickname this evening. I’m not longer ‘Johnny’ and ‘The Boss’, now I’m just…’Johnny.’ The nickname was taken away and given to someone else by someone who wasn’t trying to be mean and probably had no idea the effect it had on me(I never thought it would have either.) because it was given to the other person because of something relavent to a perticular event. It doesn’t sound like anything of any real importance, even more so because it was hardly ever used, but I’m still quite saddened by it(not mad.). I’ve figured out why, but the reasons don’t need to known to anyone besides whom I specifically tell, which means it’ll probably stay with God and me. ‘The Boss’ didn’t have any special rights or privileges. I just thought it was cool because people back in gangster times had cool names, and there was always The Boss. So ‘The Boss’ has connotations of power and authority, neither of which I had, but I still kind of felt them. ‘The Boss’ was different because the Boss was important, respected, and most importantly,he wasn’t everyone else. I felt like someone special when called ‘The Boss.’ But now, I’m just Johnny. And one can’t just become ‘The Boss’ again, especially because he complained and whinned about it. ‘The Boss’ gets called the boss because he is worth being called the boss. I hoped I was worth it. And that’s where the impressing comes in. I didn’t do anything impressive to be called ‘The Boss’, I pretty much made it up for myself anyway. But the point is, even if I don’t do anything impressive, it would still be nice to be impressive. To be someone special. But I’m still comparing myself to a standard that doesn’t exist. I’m still someone special to God. Unfortunately it is so hard to focus on that when something, regardless of how insignificant it may seem, changes and one suddenly feels average or less after once feeling like someone special. But as MXPX sings, ‘What’s done is done is in the past, good things come and go so fast.’ It’s ok. It’ll be over soon.
That’s my new motto and comforter for life-“It’ll be over soon.” ‘It’ of course refering to life. Nothing will last forever. Even if I was ‘The Boss’ until I died, it was still only on Earth, and I’ll be in Heaven a lot longer anyway. So anytime anything bad happens on Earth, I know it’ll be over soon, so it really doesn’t matter. Though this time I’m not really feeling anymore comfort.
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