June 21, 2004 @ 1:58 am by sean
I’m finding that it is quite difficult not to live to be good enough for other people. Especially since being good enough apparently doesn’t come naturally for me. I have these desires to be a good enough friend, to be respected, to be looked up to, but they aren’t fulfilled. But they don’t even need to be, because I am good enough for God, and that really is all that matters.
However, it is difficult when the people one loves and hopes would be good enough for and respected, don’t see one that way. It is becoming evident that I like being at school more than home is because at school, I am good enough for people, I am respected. Not many around here seem to think I’m very smart. Or that my opinion holds any weight and is more than just an opinion without any thought. And by not many, I mean everyone but Carley. Others would say I’m wrong in this, but their actions continually prove otherwise. As John Locke said, “The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.” Perhaps the reason I don’t want to get close to too many people is that over and over, the ones I’m closest to don’t seem to respect who I am, or respect much about me. So if I keep from getting close to people at school, maybe they will maintain their positive perceptions of me. I’d like to think I’m interesting. There is a lot that people don’t know about me and I think a lot more than people think I think. But even if they did care to find out, they would continue to discredit my thoughts and ideas as they’ve done in the past. Not that they’d ever care to find out, because apparently I’m not good enough for them as a person/friend so whenever I’m around, they need other things to keep them ‘entertained’. It is enough for me to just be in the presence of my friends(as long as their attention isn’t focused on a T.V. or computer). I don’t think I would ever be bored if I just had them around. Just talk. Just look at the sky. Just sit next to eachother. The reason Friday evening was so wonderful was that it was like school. There were plenty of times I went down to Ryan’s room and just talked. We didn’t watch T.V. Sometimes he would be on his computer, but he still maintained 95 percent of communication. The two times I went to Liz Bowater’s apartment with a group of friends, we sat around and socialized. The one time the T.V. was one, the people engaged were completely lost in Dr. Mario and may as well not even have been in the room. The first time I went when we made our own pizzas was one of the most enjoyable evenings of my life. It was great to go down to Stephan’s room to just listen to him and Greg play guitar. To go into Matt’s room and here him play the blues. To watch the Cub’s games in Chris and Pauls room and talk and joke the entire time. To go to shows with anyone. To go out to coffee with Jen or Elise or Sarah, or to just drive around with Elise to no particular destination. And just talk. To be enough for eachother that we didn’t need anything else. To walk backwards across campus with Ian; to walk anywhere with Ian. To stop and listen to Dan play praise songs on his guitar. To hang out at Sarah’s apartment and drink tea. To skateboard with friends and pause for discussions with Jen or Sarah or Sarah. To make ridiculous movies with Brandon and Erik. To socialize during meals. To hang out in Adams room. To have multiple short splendid conversations per day with Mike. To skateboard with Angie while she rollerblades. To see friends for Angie’s birthday and sit in front of a T.V. for a very short while.
This is a quote said by Louis Kronenberger that Mike Smith gave to me,
“In general, American social life constitutes an evasion of talking to people. Most American’s don’t in any virtual sense, get together, they only do things together.”
I’m so tired of just ‘doing things together’ with people around here. And most of the times when I ‘get together’ with people around here, they make it seem like it was a chore, or they were doing me a favor. When Carley and I go out to coffee and talk and listen, we get together and experience who eachother is. When I drive Alyson home we talk about things we have no one else to discuss them with, and I learn how unique of a person she is in this current society. When we go to Barnes and Noble after youth group we discuss books and opinions in them, and our opinions on them. We do more than just do things together. I don’t want to watch a movie with the people I love, I want to experience them. I don’t want to watch T.V. while someone else is on a computer and someone else is sleeping. I want to communicate with them. I’m glad Angie commented that she’d like to get together soon, because I had been planning on asking her before I read that. Is it wrong to want to be around someone who it doesn’t take effort to hold their respect for me? Doesn’t anyone realize that when they look back at their fondest memories, those memories usually don’t involve a T.V. or a computer? Perhaps just me. I suppose no one ever said that when one treats others as they want to be treated, one is guaranteed to be treated as they treat others
This is all in vain however. Life will be over soon and it won’t matter that in this world I’m not good enough or respected. I heard that when we get to heaven, God has a name for each one of us. Our very own name. A name not shared with anyone else who has ever existed. What a glorious thought that is. To be finally recognized as my own person, different from everyone else in at least one way, respected for who I am. The fulfillment of the realization that I am good enough for God, and nothing else matters.
There is an 80’s song by a group whose name I don’t remember. But the chorus is interesting.
“I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors
but I think that God’s got a sick sense of humor
and when I die, I expect to find him laughing”
I’m not sure how I feel about that, but it is interesting to think about anyway.