May 12, 2004 @ 12:24 am by sean
I love it when I type a huge entry and then some how delete it all. I don’t even know what buttons I pushed, but it all went away, and ‘paste’ didn’t do anything. I think some how I pushed ctrl a instead of shift a, and then typed. So it selected everything and then when I typed everything went away. Maybe writing a second time will help me to be more consice.
Today was a superb day. I’ve been awake and home for just over two hours. I was at the Vrazo’s from about 12ish to 11ish. I got to hang out with Alyson all day and had a great time. It was also somewhat dissapointing however. But I am all that I am dissapointed in. I’ve been having communication problems with almost everyone back home. I don’t talk much at work(though I don’t usually), I don’t talk much when I go out with friends, and today, for as much time as we hung out, one might have expected a little more dialog. She had to sit her sister Gwendolyn for a few hours today, so that prevented us from leaving, as well as her parents being strict. I’m not sure why they let her stay alone with me today because while I’ve been gone, I’ve heard her parents aren’t very happy when she goes places with Sean or Bob. Not that they have reason to not trust me, but as far as I know they have no reason to not trust Sean either. So I am extremely grateful her parents were as nice as they were. Though after accidentally taking her on her first ‘date’ last summer, I’m eternally scared of both of them.
Anyway, there hasn’t been much talking going on while I’ve been home. I understand that I haven’t been a part of their life and sharing in their experiences, but I just wish I had something to talk about. At school I talked more than I usually do, but I was also constantly surrounded by people. Not seeing someone for a day was like not seeing someone here for a week. But the environment was different in that I got to talk about the things I wanted to talk about. Ryan and I for example, had so many ‘philosophical’ disscusions(though it was pretty much just him explaining his newly learned knowledge to me), and now I’m here and I feel as if I have nothing to talk about. I’m definately not an elitest who says only smart people go to college, but I’m finding itellectual disscussions more difficult. Not that they couldn’t have them, some friends here are definately intelligent, more intelligent than I; it is more that they are concerned with other things, things I’m not concerned about as much as I used to.
I love my friends and I don’t need to have conversation to have enjoy their company. I’m more than content with a day like today. But I’m concerned about losing them to other people. That they’ll get bored with me. In the coming days I expect to see them more and hopefully talk more and hopefully I won’t be so exhausted after work and I’ll be able to talk. Even though I need the money, hopefully soon I’ll be able get work one less day a week. I think I’ll need it. And/or hopefullly I’ll get more used to the work. I think I’ll start talking on AIM again as well. At least to start up conversations and to see what’s going on more.
I think I’d prefer to be proposed to. I think it’s the only way I could know 100% she actually wanted to get married. If she said yes to me, maybe she would just be being nice, or maybe she thought it might work but honestly never really loved me. But if she proposed to me, I would be totally certain she wanted to.