April 12, 2004 @ 1:44 am by sean
I added more from last night.
Well, I am officially no longer in the ‘never been pulled over club.’ I was near the end of Michigan, almost in Indiana, and I saw the cop, slowed down and then about a minute later, BAM! There he was behind me flashing his lights and everything. But it wasn’t no thang. He strolled up and said, “Can I have your liscence and registration please sir?” And I was like, “Yea, whatever you want pig.” Then he said, “Do you know why I pulled you over.” And I was like, “Of couse I know why you pulled me ova, but why you gots to be all up in my bin-nis? I gots to get back to schoo to be with the honies. So how bouts you back up off me befo I pull out ma 9 and put a cap in dat fat ass of yo’s” And he said, “Well sir, if that is going to be your attitude, how about you step out of the car so I can search you?” And I was like, “Back up off, biotch. You ain’t goin to get all up in ma stuff. That’s only fo da ladies.” Then I opened the do’ an knocked his fat po po ass on da ground and hulled ma ass outa dare.
Or maybe he came up to the car and told me my headlight was out as I was shaking like the kid in elementary school who crapped his pants in class. The two stories were so similar I don’t remember what happened.
Besides getting pulled over, I also got lost on the way to Hope College. I’d taken Carley back before, but some how we got on a wrong road. We took some county roads though that lead us straight into the sunset, so I’m really glad we got lost because it looked beautiful, including the non-highway surroundings, and I also got to spend more time with Carley. We got to talk a lot over break. That makes me happy. I liked having the experience of driving home with Angie as a relatively new friend, and driving back with Carley as an old friend. I communicated quite differently with each. I was definately more composed and affirmative in my conversations with Carley. It seems when I talk about anything with people from school, I’m really unsure. And I’m not sure why. I think it might be because I don’t talk about the same things. My home friends don’t ask about the same things because they experienced them or saw them, rather than my school friends don’t know much about me previous to last September-ish.
I’m kinda glad that I got to spend time alone in the car as well. I definately enjoyed both of their company, but it was benificial to think about the things I had just talked about with them. When I got home after dropping off Angie, I thought about friends, because we discussed that. Then I kinda thought about that all weekend and finished the thought after dropping off Carley, because we talked about her introverted friend and she wanted to know what it is like to be introverted. I decided that, um, um, hmm. Oh yea, it isn’t a usual kind of trust thing that prevents me from rushing into friendships, it’s that I don’t trust people to give me unconditional love until I’ve witnessed and communicated and experienced them in a friendship. I’ve had quite a few different groups of friends over the years, and most of them either moved away or got ‘cool’. Or at least exclusive. And I’m not an entirely exclusive person. I like to be myself, and I think if I rushed into being ‘best friends’ with people before they could stand me as I am, they might not stay. And I like friends. I like my friends. A lot. So to prevent those wonderful people from leaving, I take things slow to make sure they aren’t going to be conditional friends who get mad or angry at petty or trivial things that aren’t really that big of a deal.
I also decided last night after dropping off Carley that I’m to selfish to have a girlfriend(if I dated. A significant other might be more applicable). I talked with Ben and Lisa a little about it on Saturday, but I think I concluded my thoughts after talking to Carley. I don’t want to be associated with someone else. It seems that people put certain expectations on ‘couples’, like acting certain ways, or always being next to eachother, or be responsible for the other person. I don’t want that yet. I don’t want to be refered to as ‘Sean and [girlfriend]’. I’m still working on being myself, how can I have another person ‘attatched’ to me? Not that it would be a bad thing, I’m just not ready. Maybe that would change if there was a female actually willing, but I doubt that happening, and I doubt I would change anyway, so I won’t worry about it.
Would a girl be insulted if she was told that her blue eyes remind a guy of the beautiful bloom of a morning glory?(that’s a blue flower. One of my favorite flowers). Or if the beauty of her face radiated like the most amazing sunset one has ever seen? Or any of the other ways the beauty of a female has been compared to beautiful things in God’s creation in poetry and songs and such? I still don’t see what is wrong with appreciating the beauty of a female. Or a female the beauty or handsome-ness or whatever girls say about guys. It isn’t checking them out. I don’t really look anywhere but their face. I thought checking out usually involved, well, checking out their whole body. I might glance at the rest of the body to see what it looks like. And there is no hope of dating them or marrying them. And it isn’t lust. This is lust:
1 obsolete a : pleasure b : personal inclination : wish.
2 : usually intense or unbridled sexual desire : lasciviousness
3 a : an intense longing : craving b : enthusiasm, eagerness
There is no longing. No craving. No instense or unbridled sexual desire. No bridled sexual desire either. So there is no sexual desire. It isn’t a ‘come hither’ stare. I suppose there is some pleasure, one usually does get pleasure(non-sexual) from looking at beautiful things. And it is a personal inclination to find one thing more beautiful than another. But that is the obsolete definition of lust, so no one means that when they say I’m lusting after them.
Maybe if I was considered ‘eye candy’ to any extent and actually had females looking at me I might think differently. I don’t think so though. I’ll never know, so I suppose it doesn’t matter.
My hair looks dirty today, but it is softer than usual. I don’t get it.
Denison and Sufjan decided to have a non 21 and over show on the 23. That makes me happy. I got to drive Natalie’s car to diner with her and Jessi, and I got to eat with them. That made me happy as well. Ryan and Brandon and Jen and Angie joined us too. That also made me happy.
Alyson was in Florida over break. That didn’t make me happy.
Two kids in Michigan robbed a pizza driver of 20 bucks with a cop gun. That’s funny. They could get armed robbery charges. That’s ridiculous.