March 15, 2004 @ 6:33 pm by sean
I went through my subscriptions the opposite way for the first time. I feel slightly liberated.
Even though it seems easier for people at home to say good bye, it seems like it’s getting harder to leave. I think it’s because each time I go home, I realize even more how wonderful my friends are. I know they are when I’m there and when I’m gone, but I see it soo much more each time I come home from being gone for a while. And then it’s like each time, they are better and better friends. And so I don’t want to leave. Fortunately I have great friends here that I come back to, but they are different kinds of friends. The friendships I have at home have been forged in fire over multipe years. That’s how I do friendships. It seems when I rush into friendships, they don’t tend to be as sincere or last as long. I don’t talk to people from my mission trips anymore, and I knew them for a month max. So it is actually difficult for me to have the friendships I do have at school. If Brandon and Michael hadn’t been so kind, I’d still probably be warming up to people. The process is rushed of course by ‘living’ with everyone, but it still is different. I suppose it comes from a fear of conditional love. For the most part, I know I won’t get conditional love from my family and 5 friends at home. But even then, I’m still concerned everyonce in a while. That is why I don’t rush into friendships, and most of the ‘friends’ I don’t talk to are the conditional love kind of people. Of all the ‘friends’ I don’t hang out with anymore, I still would if they would. I’d be almost anyones friend if they’d be mine. There are exceptions to that though, I’ll admit it. So with almost anyone besides my family and those 5 friends, I fear conditional love from them, probably because no real conflict has come up to see how they would react. I guess that’s where my thoughts end.