January 6, 2004 @ 2:01 am by sean
lisa told me exactly what i wanted to hear today. yesterday i guess. she told me something to the effect of me being someone she counts on and needs for things. and that ben also values our friendship a lot. why isnt that enough? it is enough, it should be enough, but its not. other people have said what i mean to them, but not like lisa did. she went in depth. she said she needs me. im not sure anyone else has ever said that before. i didnt even know what to say cause i never expected to hear that from anyone. she said all i ever wanted someone to say and mean at the same time. Jesus. if someone can explain how Jesus is to fill this void, than id like to hear that. ive heard and told how Jesus ‘is the only one to fill the void’ but im not sure i really believe it. my email address is on the left. i detest hearing, seeing, reading about two people ‘in love’ because no one feels that way about me. sounds pretty selfish. why doesnt anyone love me? i know the answer to that question. they range from, ‘maybe its not in God’s will now/ever.’ to ‘God has some great girl for you sean.’ to ‘your too selfish, ugly, short, stupid, annoying and “just a good friend.”‘ to ‘maybe someone does but is too afraid to say it.’ i know the answer to the one about Jesus i already asked. i know the answer to almost any question i have. but what does one do when the answers arent good enough? the best part is i wont care when i get up tomorrow. as long as im not tired, this kinda stuff doesnt really bother me. at least not long enough to write about it. so which is my true character? my last post was within the last 3 hours and i havent left this seat. its amazing how moods change. i think this mainly came out of talking to jillian about the plans her future and mine. that shows what i am most concerned about. is there a difference between pessism and realism?