January 11, 2004 @ 2:49 am by sean
so far ive written two entries and neither have worked. i keep getting a run time error. the ironic thing, is that both were on vanity. and each time it doesnt work, i get farther and farther removed from the feelings i had when i originally wrote it. i was crying when i wrote it the first time.(from a movie and a poem.)i hung out with ben lisa and alyson tonight during my last opportunity to hang out with anyone before i leave for school. if only they knew how much the time they spend means to me. even if we dont do anything, even if they dont realize it, it is when i am with them, other friends and relatives i am happiest. i really dont want to leave them. i left early to take alyson home and then go home to get to bed early for a good nights rest for my long drive home tomorrow. my sister was watching a movie(life as a house) when i came in and i ended up watching that instead. although tomorrow i may regret not having been in bed earlier, i will never regret seeing that movie. it wasnt the greatest movie ever, but at this time in my life, it was a movie i needed to see. it caused me to think about my future, but farther into it. all the way up until i die. and all the vanities that happen during that time. i dont want to leave because i dont want to miss who and what i love most. i dream of england, but i dont know if i could bear to move away from my relatives. and if my friends didnt come with me, i doubt it would ever happen. but it is the life i dream of, and the more and more i think further into my life, i dont see what i dream of happening. i see student loans getting in the way. i see paying for books getting in the way. i see an absence of someone to love getting in the way. i know worrying is all in vain, but it seems so hopeless. my dad doesnt have the greatest job, or even the job he probably dreamed of having, but i respect him. but i dont want to live like him. i want my life to be different. to be better.
after the movie i was crying so i left the room and checked my email. jillian sent me a poem that made me cry even more. it was about growing up. in fact, the title was, ‘growing up’. out of respect for her wishes, i wont post it, but it was fantastic.
if i dont see you in heaven, im goin to be really really pissed.