November 12, 2003 @ 5:56 pm by sean
today is another psuedo-sad day cause im tired. but i took a nap and the power went out and battle of the bands is tonight, so this isnt really that bad of a day. and its weezer wednesday of course.
i think im going to be the anti-christ. im not sure how the whole anti-christ thing works, but if its goin to be some person, i think its goin to be me. not intentionally, i dont really want to be, but i think its one of those inevitable things. i came to the conclusion early last summer its quite possible ill end up thinking myself out of christianity. and when that happens, i think i might go doin all kinds of anti-christ like stuff. hence, ill become the anti-christ and bring for the end of the world. so start repenting now kids. the end is nigh.
im kinda serious though. it seems with each passing day, christianity and my beliefs seem harder and harder to believe, and more and more, rediculous i guess is the word for it. im not sure why im telling you this. i guess its one of those pride things i never have said this to anyone before. its nice when people look up to you as someone with a lot of faith and knowlegde about what they believe. thats how i always wanted to be portrayed. i never wanted to be a naive christian, so i try to be as knowlegdable about it as i can, so i dont think im an ingorant christian. but maybe that shows my ingnorance. theres really a lot of explaining to all this that woulndt make sense to everyone unless it was a conversation, so i wont atempt to explain myself really. but i often feel uncomfortable talking to friends and encouraging them in a faith im not sure i believe in. for instance, i have a friend goin to france in january for a few months were she’ll have missionary training, and then go for another few months to africa or somewhere to do mission work. and thats such an amazing opportunity and when i was telling her how wonderful i thought that was she was doing the Lord’s work, i was thinkin, ‘do i even completely believe in this Lord?’ ‘isnt this somewhat hypocryitical?’ i like to encourage people as much as i can, but i almost feel like im lying to them.
so now as i think about it, and think about my upbringing, im not sure i ever really believed. theres never been a time when i felt God speaking to me, or really felt God leading me somewhere. or am i just that oblivious to God working in my life? am i really the ignorant person i never wanted to be?